The X-Files Pt 1: Friends With Your Ex

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In every relationship there comes a time to say goodbye, unless you both intend to walk down the aisle and even then the chance is still there. Somewhere down the path to breakup, one or both parties feels the need to promise to be friends. Well I DONT hate to break it to you, YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!!!!! That is if you still have feelings for them and there is always one that still has feelings. Both guys and girls are a special kind of crazy after a breakup. There is this strange glossed over look in their eyes that almost acts as reason or rational thought Kryptonite.

Wouldn’t it be just wonderful if all breakups could be mutual? If rainbows could shine 24hrs a day genies granted 3 wishes? Well lets smack you in the face with a little bit of reality here. The real reason the heartbreaker makes the suggestion to remain friends is to assuage their guilt over breaking up with their ex. The heartbreaker feels less guilty for offering the option to remain friends as if to provide themselves with some solace. Making themselves feel like less of a bad person for dumping their ex because they want to remain friends.

These are the reasons you CAN’T be friends with your ex (if you still have feelings):

You can’t kiss & tell: 

As much effort you make to remain friends with your ex, you can never confide in them. You can’t tell them about the great sex you had the night before. You can’t tell her about how this chick licked your asshole and you aren’t sure whether you liked it or you feel violated. You can’t comment on that girls nice tits and big bubble butt. There is no telling her about really liking this new girl you are dating and how you are going to meet her family. She doesn’t want to hear about why you have a big smile on your face all day long and that you are in love. Your ex will never want to hear about how big his dick was or that he did this think you have never had done before and you screamed so loud the cops were almost called. He doesn’t want to know how much you like him and that he is the best you have ever had. These are all things you can’t talk to a friend about but not and ex. You have seen each other naked! End of story; you may be able to keep and touch and tell them how you have been but they will never truly know how you have been.

It’s not you, it’s me:

Fuck that bullshit, it’s always them! Relationships are VERY VERY rarely a mutual agreement. One person is always breaking up with the other. That’s just the way it is. One person is always going to be bitter about the breakup and somewhere down the line they are with hoping for or plotting the breakup of any future relationship of yours. That green monster is all but guaranteed to rear its ugly head at some point. It will eventually cause a fight.

Friends with benefits:

There is no benefit to being friends with your ex when that benefit is sex. Guys and girls both do this shit and it drives me crazy. You are not just getting laid. You are not just satisfying a need to get fucked and they know how to do it right so that’s why you keep going there. Please shut the fuck up with that bullshit. Deep down inside you are settling for strictly sex with an ex because you are hoping they will change their mind and want a relationship again. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!! You guys broke up for a reason. They are not going to see how care free you are being, how cool and fun you are and miraculously forgot how you guys fought all the time, you were jealous crazy status and want you back. Put you crazy in a box and dump it in the ocean, for your own sake.

All that being said you need  to keep it moving. When it is over let it die. Make a clean break. Should I use any more cliché one liners in order to get my point across? Hopefully you get it. YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX, if there are still feelings there.

 

 

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To Orgasm or Not to Orgasm????

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I was 22 years old when I had my first orgasm. I know, shocking right?!?!?!? Its ok, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now. Not every woman has orgasms all the time or ever for some. Most women don’t cum from g-spot stimulation they cum from clitoral friction and of all the ways we make the lives of men difficult this has to be the worst. Seriously though, every woman is different, they all respond differently and sometimes they don’t respond at all. For you good men who care about a woman’s experience during sex this has to be the most difficult challenge.

My story is actually kind of funny, I was in Greece at the time. I had been traveling for a couple of months and arrived in Greece after a short stint in Italy. (This is not a story from a romance novel I swear.) My best friend and I hated Athens so we took a ferry to Mykonos where we met an extremely sexy greek guy on the beach. I was topless all the time and he never stared at my tits, not once! I was impressed. We exchanged numbers after some flirting and made plans to meet up later that night. I did what I usually do and ended up blowing him off. Turns out his mother lived in Greece near athens where we were saying our last 2 nights before we left to France. I hit him up when we got back and it was on. We went out and then back to his house. This is where it gets funny and awesome! I had some awesome doggy style sex in a fucking bunk bed lol! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I had my very first orgasm. (See why I love doggy style so much?) In a bunk bed…in a guys child hood room…in his mother’s house…in Greece.

So for the guys who don’t understand how intense a G-spot orgasm can be, because well you don’t have one, Its crazy! The best way to describe it is, you get really dizzy like almost out of body experience kind of dizzy. Then your whole body is tingling and you are afraid if you move that you might actually fall apart into a million pieces. At that very moment I COMPLETELY understood why people have sex so much! Like for real if this had been happening that last years I had been having sex I would have enjoyed it a lot more!!!!!! I can tell you now the reason I had an orgasm was one because of the position but also because of my state of mind. A lot of women are like myself; their comfort level and state of mind play a huge part in whether or not they get off. Women are mental and emotional creatures and for some it requires the stimulation of both as well as comfortability in order to orgasm. It may not be about your technique it may just be about how she feels. Take that into consideration when having sex with a girl, because working on her like a car in your garage is annoying as hell. Just because you haven’t made her cum yet doesn’t mean you need to go through your play book of what has worked in the past. Like I said before every girl is different and the best thing to do is ask. Talk to her because what has worked before on other girls may not work with her.

Now let me guess, the first question you asked yourself about a sentence into this is, “Why the hell would you have sex without orgasming?!?!? What is the point?” Do you always drink beer to get drunk? Sometimes you just like the taste. Just because a girl doesn’t orgasm doesn’t mean the feeling of sex isn’t fun too. It feels good to fuck. Sometimes the high comes from that and sometimes the high comes from the animalistic fucking. At least thats what I liked. I loved that feeling that I got from knowing they were going to leave my bed, disheveled, confused and happy. That was my orgasm!

 

 

 

Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair!

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I know you all know the song and if you don’t you have been living under a rock somewhere. Xzbit had it right, sometimes a girl just wants to get a fucked. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for to have some explosive sex every once in a while. Just because we may like you or even love you does not mean that we have to always be “making love.” Sometimes a girl wants you to be aggressive, grab her waist, throw her up against a wall, pull her head to the side by her hair, nibble on her neck a little and take what’s yours!

I can honestly say there have been more times than not in my life that I have talked about sex with my girls and the common complaint is that we haven’t been “Properly FUCKED” in a very long time. It’s actually a shame. I don’t think it’s too much to ask do you? I mean the best sex I have had in my life was almost violent LOL. I personally enjoy sex with someone whom is like a best friend because you can try anything and everything without apprehension but there is a difference between having crazy fun sex and being fucked proper.

Tips and Tricks:

Bite Me Baby! 

Nuzzle your face into her neck and nibble on her neck. Multitasking boys please use your hands at all times. Make your way down to her tits and please for the love of god don’t fucking bite down on her nipples like you are eating your first meal in days. I mean seriously it all depends on the girl but for the most part we wont like to be bitten that hard. Also try not to suck on our tits like your mom cut you off too early, we don’t like feeling like we are breast feeding. EEEEEWWWW no! A lot of guys don’t know this but a girls back is really sensitive so if you take some initiative and flip her ass over, bite a little on her back and she will go nuts.

Pull My Hair Pleeeeaaassseeeee

If you know how to do this the right way you will send her into a tail spin really quickly. Believe it or not there is a method to pulling a girl’s hair and for some reason guys are not always up on whats right and whats wrong. The area you should be grabbing is right at the nape of the neck by her roots. ALWAYS by her roots, please do not grab the ends of her hair. It doesn’t feel good it hurts and you have less control that way. you are more likely to hurt rather than turn on. The best part of the hair pulling experience is when you slide in. Hold her hair tightly when you are in her then release just a little as you come back out. Maybe whisper a little something sexy to her about how good it feels to be inside her. The experience will go through the roof for her and make it that much better for you.

Smack That Ass!

Now this depends on the girl and how she might or might not like to be spanked. So its best to provoke conversation that would lead to answers about how she may like it. Or you could just be direct if you have that kind of dynamic. In my case if I am going to have my ass smacked I prefer its while sex is going on and in the doggy style position. But its best to ask first.

That Choking Feeling

Th best way to approach choking while fucking is to start off slow and pay attention to her face. If she looks scared you should probably stop. Common sense I know but some guys don’t get it. I’m not talking erotic asphyxiation here unless that’s what you are into, I’m talking about a light choking. It’s best to start off by grabbing her throat while kissing her and apply a little bit of pressure from then on. Not every girl is going to like this so be sure to either pay close attention or ask her before hand. You don’t need the cops called on you because you freak her out and she thinks you are trying to kill her. LOL

Not everyone likes rough sex. I do every once in a while its a lot of fun. I know that a lot of my girlfriends talk about it and it has been a common theme in our girl talk that it doesn’t happen often enough. One last tip; Kevin Hart had the right idea when he suggested that you come up with a safe word for when you aren’t comfortable. His was pineapples but I’m sure you can pick your own.

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Blow Up Barbie

When you look like a trash bag, your ass crack is fully exposed, your t-shirt is tied up, your lips are inflated beyond belief and your hair is blonder than an OC Housewife’s, you are drawing the kind of attention that is going to get you fucked and booted quick. Listen girls I know you think you look cute, but this isn’t a rap video set nor are you living at the playboy mansion. You look low rent!

So I was at this new club called The Act last night. It is such a dope spot which is why I love going there. It was a Wednesday so it being industry night there were a ton of people I know and who all know each other. Im sitting there drinking my drink  and I turn to left to see this bitch bending completely over with a good 3 inches of ass crack hanging out! Right in my fucking face. After the shock wears off and the guys around me stop laughing at the look on my face, I take stock of this chick. Head to toe this girl had issues, and I wasn’t the only one noticing. She was wearing some pink and white striped top that she had tied up in the back like she was competing in a wet t-shirt contest. She was wearing no shoes and her feet were busted and in need of a pedicure. Her hair was bleach blonde beyond belief to go with her big blown up pink glossed lips. Then there were the jeans, they weren’t the issue, she was a curvy girl with a big ass which was nice except apparently wearing pants that fit was against her policy. A good 3 inches of ass crack was out at all times. This girl clearly needed to get it together!

Here is the thing ladies, you can be sexy without letting it all hang out. When girls dress like that it says one important thing about you, you know you aren’t actually hot so you show as much skin as possible in order to make it look like you are sexy. If you were pretty you could rest on that fact and you wouldn’t need to let it all hang out in order to garner attention. I mean really, come on now! I swear I want to take girls like that shopping and show then what style looks like. Pick up a fucking magazine, know your damn body, and understand that the only time its appropriate for you took look like a hoe, is well never. Unless you are making money off your ass don’t dress like a low rent hooker.

Don’t Be “That Guy”

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Since I am on the subject of text messaging…

With women just like with men there is an etiquette to texting. There are a few Do’s and Dont’s when texting a girl:

  1. Meaningless Texts: When you send a girl a text that is very clearly not thought through it means next to nothing to us. Apart from being excited that you are making effort to reach out, you haven’t exactly expanded on our image of you. Sending a text like, “What’s up?” or “How are you doing?” is easy. Try adding a little personality to your text or make it a little less impersonal.
  2. Stand Out & Be Original: Remember that if you think that this girl is hot, it is likely that so do many other guys which means you are probably not the only guy texting her. She is more than likely getting a hundred text messages a week from different guys. You have to stand out! Don’t annoy her but be original. Be funny! Girls remember funny. A good example is “Stop thinking about me.” LOL Be cute and make it a little more original then “Hey” and for fuck’s sake don’t just send a damn 🙂 face.
  3. Keep It Light: One thing I like most girls find especially annoying is 20 questions. Us girls don’t like to feel like we are reciting our resume through text. The conversation should be light and flirty. It shouldn’t feel like you are forcing us to keep the conversation going it should just flow.
  4. Cat & Mouse: We all say that we hate game playing but the bottom line is we still respond to it, guys and girls alike. So keep that in mind when texting a girl. Respond quickly a couple of times then go about your day. Im not saying let 5 hours pass but give it a little time every once in a while. No one wants something easily had. Staying unpredictable and mysterious will be part of your over all appeal. Its best to keep a girl guessing a little bit.

All that being said once you get to the time when its appropriate to sext message let me just say this for now, men are visual creatures which is why they respond so well to porn. So receiving a picture of you hard dick is probably not going to do it for her. At least not by itself. Throw in some thoughtful words or descriptions of what you would like to do with that hard dick of yours. I know it sounds like work but think of it this way. We work too, usually on our knees lol

The Sparkle is Gone

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The sparkle being gone is also known as “Too little too late.” It is when you have cut ties with an ex or emotionally shut down in a current relationship and they figure it out, come crawling back trying to make and effort and it is just too late. The sparkle is gone, the relationship has been tainted and unfortunately you can never look at that person again in the same way. This works for both sexes. Both men and women go though this.

My girlfriend is in town from northern California and whenever she is here we usually get into her love life. By “usually get into her love life,” I mean she feels the need to analyze every bit and piece of the ongoing back and forth of her past relationship.

Her and her ex were dating for a couple of months before they ever had sex and after that a little longer before they made it an official monogamous relationship. (He is 45 and she is 28 just to clear up any wtf look you might have on your face) After a good chunk of time had passed they had discussed everything from having children to getting married. Then the inevitable subject came up of sexual variety. In other words he was afraid he may not want to, “Eat peanut butter and jelly the rest of his life.” So her being who she is says they will cross that bridge when they come to it. However inside she took offense. She wondered why she wasn’t enough for him. (That is a whole other topic for another blog) Shortly after that while visiting her in NYC she caught him in a major lie. Well I should say he caught himself up. He butt dialed her while out trolling for other girls in NYC when she thought her had left back to Miami. DUMB! As to not drag this story on any further lets just say he got dumped, IMMEDIATELY. Good for her right? Well the next couple of months were spent on her part wondering why. She is gorgeous, take it from me she is. She is so sweet, masters in sociology and applying to law school so why the fuck would a 46 year old man who is clearly lucking out screw that up?!?!?!? He is an idiot thats why lol

Well they are back in contact now and she is explaining how she doesn’t think she could ever be with him again because of all he has done. She doesn’t think she can forgive him. Yet she is continuing contact with him and seeing him. Again I have to call BULLSHIT! Bottom line is that once the SPARKLE IS GONE you need to be woman enough to let it go. If you know that you cant get over the past then stop lying to yourself. It is the most destructive lie you can tell. Because at the end when all is said and done you can only blame yourself for the mess you are in.

Now I am not mocking her because we all do it. I am even guilty of it but I try to recognize what Im doing and let it go A.S.A.P. I recently went through a similar situation but the difference between her and I is that I knew immediately once I was over it, I was over it but she cant let it go. Granted our situations differ a little bit. The guy I was dating irritated me more than twice in a very short period and slowly but surely the things I found endearing became unattractive and annoying. Before you knew it I was saying “Peace out sweetie.” We had only been seeing each other about a month and a half and when I was done that was it! He came back around about a month later talking about how he missed me and didn’t understand why I had ended things so abdruptly. Now this isn’t the first time I have heard this out of a guys mouth lol and this isn’t the first time I have been brutally honest. (Surprised are you? lol) My words to him sounded something like, “Im sorry that you miss me but Im just over it. You irritated me one too many times in a short period of time. You were arrogant, elitist and condescending. I understand that you are intelligent and well educated however that is not a reason to treat others as if they are less than. I don’t know who you thought you were dealing with but I am not the one. We can still be friends though.” Thats right gentlemen not even a big dick will save you if your personality is no bueno. The same goes for the ladies. No matter how hot you are chicas, tits and ass is not going to save your ugly personality. The moral of the story is that once its over its over. You have fucked up and there is no fixing it. There is no making it better. So be a woman or a man about it and move on. If you think you can truly salvage the relationship and let it go then do so but also be grown enough to recognize when you cant. AND BE HONEST!!!!!!