BAD

“Is it bad that I never made love, no I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues, I won’t commit
No, not having it
But at least I can admit that I’ll be bad no to you
Yeah, I’ll be good in bed but I’ll be bad to you
Bad that I never made love, no I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck”

A new song for our generation? I know it sounds sappy as hell but have you ever made love? I was racking my mind this morning thinking of all of my sexual encounters. I was going back through the reel that we all have. I was a virgin until I was 18. Hard to believe I know. LOL I was thinking back to my very first time and going through every time and guy since then. It is a little disturbing but for most of them, I was intoxicated so I could honestly say they were not “love making” experiences. That’s not to say that you can’t have sex in a love making way but let’s be real, its still just sex. Then I started to consider the fact that almost all of my experiences weren’t as a result out of any form of monogamy. Could that be it? Was that the secret sauce, so to say, missing from my experiences?

I was monogamous with one guy. He was one of my best friends for years. He was an amazing person and so much fun. He loved that I wore converse, vans, long socks. short shorts, wife beaters and my hair wild and whatever. He was my homie and my lover. We always had really good sex because it was fun and carefree. We didn’t care and there were no pretenses. However even with him I don’t think we ever made love. I loved him of course more than I had ever loved anyone but I have never really been open enough to be in love with someone so even with him it wasn’t “making love.”

I sometimes wonder if it is possible for me to be in love. What is that like? Or maybe I have been but I’m not sure. Maybe this is something that everyone goes through in life or it could be the great deficiency of our generation. We are like kids in a candy store. So many flavors, making it so hard to choose just one. Every day, flooded by the many shapes and colors, unable to make a choice and stick with it. How do you choose just one? Is it even possible anymore?

Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL ¬†Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. ūüôā

Cold hearted?

I’m not cold hearted I’m just over it! I love it when guys think that their dick has some magical power over a girl. Mind you yes there are some girls who give women a bad reputation for attaching to every man they sleep with, but I ain’t the one.

I was seeing a guy recently who was under this same sad misinformed impression. We hung out for about a month when I realized a couple of things actually.

First I realized that due to starting a new job I had absolutely no time for my self let alone him.

Secondly I started to think to myself that aside from really good sex we had very little in common. I pondered like most women do, “do I really want a relationship with this guy?” I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t. I didn’t have feelings for him, I was merely attracted to his personality. There is a huge difference but because some women are lonely they refuse to act smart instead of forcing themselves to fall hard.

3rd on my list of mini realizations was that the kid really didn’t like me all that much either. It’s no big deal, I don’t take it personally because not everyone is going to be a match.

So I hit him up after a couple days of not talking and said, “listen we aren’t on the same page with the things we want and quite honestly if you really wanted something with me you would hit me up to hang out so why don’t we just go our separate ways.” He didn’t take that well at all! He proceeded to berate me, calling me names and telling me to, “stay off his line and delete his fucking number.” LOL I haven’t had a response like that from a man ever in my life. Which is understandable because he is a boy of 25. Me calling him a man was far to generous a title. By the way I had to ask what, “stay off my line” meant. LOL Who the fuck knew? Well needless to say I told him he has the right to his feelings and I’m sorry that I upset him. I ended the conversation with telling him to have a nice night. The conversation consisted of much more name calling and cussing from him but it isn’t really necessary to give a play by play of his stupidity.

So, guess who received a 5am text message apologizing for “flashing” on me. (Again with the slang that just makes him sound dumb.) he asked if we we were cool and and I said yes. I didn’t realize by saying yes that he would take that as we can still fuck. My bad LOL Apparently we were speaking two VERY different languages. When I said we were cool, what I meant was that I don’t have the time or energy to hate him. Nor do I care to so if we are ever around each other we can be cordial.

Over the next 2 weeks I received numerous late night back to back drunk texts and calls. And when I say back to back I mean 6 fucking phone calls in a row followed by 5 texts telling me to fuck off for not answering the phone. That shit just got ridiculous after a while. I finally lost my cool the other night at Tao and calmly explained to him that I’m sorry if he was under the false impression that I wanted to continue having sex with him but that was NOT the case. Can you guess what happened next? Names like “fucking whore” and “silly bitch” were thrown around. I mean I couldn’t help but laugh at the entire tantrum. Make no mistake, that’s exactly what he was doing. Throwing a fucking tantrum like a toddler. My words verbatim were, “I am tired of putting up with your fits. Do not contact me again.” What the hell else was I supposed to do? The poor guy was probably embarrassed as hell the next day and if he wasn’t be sure as hell should have been.

Final thought: The second a guy shows you their “crazy” you show them the door.

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5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret:¬†Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump:¬†“What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with.¬†
  2. If a tree falls in the forest……¬†I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall:¬†This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet???¬†“Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby¬†dicks¬†belong on babies” ? Well if you¬†didnt¬†know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick:¬†If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

7 Stages of a Breakup

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The end of a relationship is similar to dealing with a death. In a way it is a death. You no longer have that person in your life anymore so is it any surprise that when going through a breakup that people grieve? Although in a relationship there is a bit more drama because usually the grieving process is directed at the ex. People can get crazy! Just like the seven stages of grief when dealing with the death of a person there are seven stages of grief when dealing with the death of a relationship.

1. Shock & Awe…….I Don’t Get It!¬†

The first thoughts running through her/his head usually run along the lines of not understanding why. They don’t get it, they can’t fathom why they are being dumped! What the fuck happened? In most cases the girl is confused not because she doesn’t understand why he would want to dump her but instead why he wouldn’t want to just stick it out in a shitty relationship. Girls tend to be a glutton for punishment that way. It’s mostly because they were raised on romance stories that say couples stay together forever. Blah Blah fucking Blah! If its broken, don’t fix that shit! Throw it away and get a new one! I mean really people there is a difference between a fracture and a break……when its broken, its broken! Let Go!

2. D’ Nile, It’s not Just a River

It’s just about restraining order time. Sometimes the dumpee just doesn’t get it. That neon sign saying, “ITS OVER” is apparently to vague for them. They may continue to call, A LOT. They may not admit to others that it is over. They might even leave their Facebook status on “in a relationship.” They are in denial! unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this but break clean. Dont give in and answer calls and whatever you do don’t answer their cries¬†for attention. It will only prolong the dramatics.

3. Fuck Me? No Fuck You!

Here comes the anger. It is officially all your fault at this point. You are the piece of shit for dumping them. They will spend time going through the entire history of the relationship. They will pick apart and analyze everything you did and said over the course of the relationship and place blame solely on you. This is the natural course of dealing with things, you just have to let it ride. It isn’t really your fault but you can just let them think it is.

4. I Can Change!

This is the part where either people get back together or they don’t. The person who has been dumped comes back around, not as pissed anymore, and promises to change. They will be nicer, they wont cheat, they won’t nag or be jealous. This is make or break time and if you are wise then you will say no. Lets face it though most people are fucking idiots or they are just to weak to stand on their own. My advice is you broke up for a reason and no matter the bargaining done by the dumped you must stick to your guns.

5. Maybe It Was Me

Here comes the guilt. “Maybe it was me, something I did; I’m not Pretty enough, I’m not hot enough” and so on and so on.This is the time for blame to be turned inward. They start to question what they did to be dumped and they take on all of the responsibility. It’s actually a sad time because it can really affect self-esteem. Dont blame yourself! I know you can’t help it but combing through all of the things you may have done wrong with a fine tooth comb wont do you any good.

6. Cry Me A RIver ūüė¶¬†

Somebody call the Waaaaaambulance. The sadness has set it. It is now time to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OVER! Sadness sets and the anti-social is in full effect. (That is mostly a girl thing though) The person dumped becomes sad and lonely and withdrawn. The memories get relived over and over. (Usually only the good ones as if the bad ones never happened) Old songs get played and dreams of what might have been dance in their head. This stage can last for a while but once its over let the party begin.

7. Keep It Moving

“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” I know you have heard this before. ūüôā This is¬†partially true. At this stage of the relationship grieving process you are ready to move on and usually with our generation that involves sex with someone else. You start to think of that person less and less and eventually not at all. The raw pain of the breakup is fading, hearing their name doesn’t sting anymore and you no longer want to throw your phone against a wall when they don’t answer you. You have arrived! You have moved On! Thank fucking god.

This blog was inspired by a friend of mine who just broke up with his girlfriend. I get a daily laugh at his situation (LOL) mainly because its not mine. His ex girlfriend is going through these very stages and at the moment she is on number 3. She is not a happy camper and the poor guy still has 4 more to deal with. On the plus side maybe he can give me more to write about! ūüôā

 

Bad Decions & Writer’s Block

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I have had a horrible case of writer’s block recently and it has been driving me fucking nuts. It feels like I have been very unproductive and honestly letting people down. Because the format for my blog is geared more towards advice rather than a journal I have been hesitant to write about this but I have decided to take a friend’s advice and just write in the hopes that getting it out will lead to a break through.

I wrote a blog recently about keeping your options open. Well just because you keep your options open and you think that you are making informed decisions that doesn’t mean the the one you pick is necessarily going to be the right one. Sometimes you do made a bad decision. Unfortunately part of your informed decision is based on what they tell you and how much you believe them.

In my last blog I talked about the 5 different guys I was talking to and how at the end it came down to 2. The 4th guy I decided against partly because of his life choices and circumstances but mainly because I really liked the 5th guy. Number 5 and I not only took time to form a friendship but were pretty open and honest with each other. We discussed in detail what we both wanted in terms of our continued interaction and I believed we were on the same page. Well I was wrong. I am not saying he lied, I truly believe that he meant what he said when he was saying it but that doesn’t mean he meant it after it came out of his mouth. The point is that I chose him because I liked him and felt a genuine connection with him. It really bummed me out when a couple of weeks later he decided to try things again with his ex girlfriend of years. He was only honest after I basically told him I needed more, wasn’t getting it and was done. Now this is not a bashing blog, mind you I had slept with someone else at this point. Im by no means innocent. (You would know this if you read my other blogs LOL) When I am done I am done……..and I was fucking done. Its not all on this guy but bottom line I wasn’t getting what I wanted.

All of this aside I still really like him and have a friendship with him. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am a strong independent woman and because of this I will move on but right now it is getting in the way of my writing. I miss him and our chats and being able to be open. Its unfortunate that making the wrong decision with him as far as taking a friendship and letting it run wild right into a romantic thing has kind of fucked me over in my writing. When you are a happy person and someone takes your happy to another giddy kind of level it affects you. It affected my writing and now that it is gone I am having a hard time finding my funny again. I am hoping that this blog will help get some of this off of my mind and I can get back to being free.

 

Hello there sexy

Hello there sexy

Hello there sexy. Love a man with some facial hair!