We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!
Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.
He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”
I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.
Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. 🙂
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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret: Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.
- 2 Pump Chump: “What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with.
- If a tree falls in the forest…… I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
- Total Recall: This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
- Is it in yet??? “Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby dicks belong on babies” ? Well if you didnt know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
- Whiskey Dick: If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.
Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!
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Buyers beware! When you meet a girl and she is the type whose heart can be found in her vagina, enter at your own risk! Since the beginning of time (not really lol) women have been incorrectly stereotyped. I am not saying there aren’t plenty out there who do get immediately attached once they have had sex with a guy but there are the ones whose heart is more intensely linked to their brain than pussy. Those are the ones you should be looking for! You need to learn to decipher the difference or you will have sex with the wrong one and all of a sudden you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands, you are changing your phone number and moving to a new state.
Some women associate romance with sex more than others and those are the ones you need to be aware of when attempting casual sex. Because those women already have a predisposition to attachment, the release of oxytocin during and after sex is like the hyper-speed button on their emotions. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. Oxytocin is the hormone released during sex as a result of vaginal stimulation as well as breast stimulation. But what if that oxytocin released during sex makes a girl feel connected to someone who is wrong for them?
I know a girl who goes from guy to guy to guy hoping in bed and subsequently in love. She often doesn’t get to know who they are but has sex immediately and is immediately obsessed. She spends every waking moment with whatever guy she is “In Love” with at the moment and of all of those waking moments, 99% are spent fucking. You can imagine the amount of oxytocin released and why she gets so hooked. Of all of the conversations I have had with her most of them revolve around the great sex she is having. Her heart lives in her vagina and her hyper-speed button is basically stuck in the “ON” position. While she would like to think that her post-sex rush is really just how she feels about him, the truth is it has more to do with and orgasm induced release of oxytocin.
So how do you avoid getting wrapped up in the web of sex/love. I wish I could tell you a full proof formula to avoiding these kinds of women. My best piece of advice is what I always say. Honesty is the best policy. If a girl is going to fuck you day one then she is an idiot to think anything will come of it. There are exceptions to every rule of course but most of them time nothing will come of it. So your best bet is to be very honest. Tell her you are not looking for anything significant or serious. Let her know it was either a one time thing or it was just sex and nothing else. As long as you are honest with her you will have done nothing wrong.
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Tags: ass, bed, boobs, boy, boyfriend, boys, break, breakup, climax, deep, denial, dick, dynamic, emotion, girl, girlfriend, girls, guys, heartbreak, hot, love, man, men, naked, oral sex, orgasm, oxytocin, penis, relationship, relationships, sex, sexy, tattoo, truth, woman, women
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I have had a horrible case of writer’s block recently and it has been driving me fucking nuts. It feels like I have been very unproductive and honestly letting people down. Because the format for my blog is geared more towards advice rather than a journal I have been hesitant to write about this but I have decided to take a friend’s advice and just write in the hopes that getting it out will lead to a break through.
I wrote a blog recently about keeping your options open. Well just because you keep your options open and you think that you are making informed decisions that doesn’t mean the the one you pick is necessarily going to be the right one. Sometimes you do made a bad decision. Unfortunately part of your informed decision is based on what they tell you and how much you believe them.
In my last blog I talked about the 5 different guys I was talking to and how at the end it came down to 2. The 4th guy I decided against partly because of his life choices and circumstances but mainly because I really liked the 5th guy. Number 5 and I not only took time to form a friendship but were pretty open and honest with each other. We discussed in detail what we both wanted in terms of our continued interaction and I believed we were on the same page. Well I was wrong. I am not saying he lied, I truly believe that he meant what he said when he was saying it but that doesn’t mean he meant it after it came out of his mouth. The point is that I chose him because I liked him and felt a genuine connection with him. It really bummed me out when a couple of weeks later he decided to try things again with his ex girlfriend of years. He was only honest after I basically told him I needed more, wasn’t getting it and was done. Now this is not a bashing blog, mind you I had slept with someone else at this point. Im by no means innocent. (You would know this if you read my other blogs LOL) When I am done I am done……..and I was fucking done. Its not all on this guy but bottom line I wasn’t getting what I wanted.
All of this aside I still really like him and have a friendship with him. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am a strong independent woman and because of this I will move on but right now it is getting in the way of my writing. I miss him and our chats and being able to be open. Its unfortunate that making the wrong decision with him as far as taking a friendship and letting it run wild right into a romantic thing has kind of fucked me over in my writing. When you are a happy person and someone takes your happy to another giddy kind of level it affects you. It affected my writing and now that it is gone I am having a hard time finding my funny again. I am hoping that this blog will help get some of this off of my mind and I can get back to being free.
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Tags: arch, ass, boobs, boy, boyfriend, boys, break, breakup, butt, dynamic, emotion, girl, girlfriend, girls, guys, heartbreak, hot, love, man, men, naked, oral sex, relationship, relationships, sex, sexy, tattoo, tattooed girl, tattoos, tits, truth, woman, women
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