No Permission No Entry

Why is it that most men start off saying, “Don’t knock it till you try it” about anal sex? Its like they think that using some cliche phrase is going to somehow convince you to throw you asshole virginity to the wind and just go for it. How about guys, you let a girl buy a strap on and shove it in your ass? See how you like it. “Don’t knock it till you try it,” right? Or even better when they do it without permission because it just “slipped in” and then they spit out, “Just relax.” Yeah fucking right! Just relax my ass!

Now I have developed a theory based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.To date I have noticed there are 2 types of guys who like anal sex. Usually it is a guy with a small dick because they are typically looking for the smallest hole possible. So if its not your asshole then they are dating cute little asian girls. (Don’t get offended girls I only say the asian thing because my boys tell me stories) The second type of guy is the one who has a boundary pushing pleasure. They like to do everything and anything. They are adventurous to an extreme. It has never been part of my own sexual bucket list to have a dick in my ass because its just not my thing but let me tell you guys without permission there is no entry!

All that being said a sneak attack was performed on my friend’s butt the other night. It was like a ninja move in the bedroom but from what I have heard from her, he has a small dick so it doesn’t surprise me that he chose to surprise her. She prefaces her story with, “My butt-hole got raped last night!!!!” Then proceeds to tell me the story, that is of course after I stopped laughing. Apparently after she left my house and went home he comes over to her house. They were having missionary sex and he goes to flip her over. She is thinking alright cool, doggy style, I love it. All of the sudden he sticks his little dick in her ass and tells her to “Just relax.” WTF!?!?!? Just fucking relax my ass! Who the fuck does that? She was mortified and in shock. Not even all the shots she had that night prepared her for that traumatizing experience. She immediately freaked out and told him to stop. She was pissed as any woman would be.

Guys there is no occasion where first time around you just put it in her ass, no discussion at all. No permission no entry bottom line. Take the dick out of the equation how would some of you like it if with no warning at all we just shoved anything in your ass. I know guys who don’t even want a finger in there let alone anything else!  Why on earth would you think it was ok to just go for it with absolutely no warning? Have a little respect would you.

Lust at first sight…..Hormone goggles gone HORRIBLY wrong

You would think there would be a stage in life when we stop acting like horny teenagers but Im starting to think that there really isn’t. I am 27 years old and still fall into lust at first sight! Many people however constantly confuse lust at first sight for the other “L” word. They are in love immediately and there is no room in their dopamine induced decision making for error. Newsflash folks, you haven’t found Mr./Mrs. Right you have found Mr./Mrs. Right Now.

Ask your self these questions:

  1. Do you like them as a person?
  2. Could you see yourself doing things with that didn’t involve partying or sex?
  3. do you both have the same work ethic?
  4. Do you both want the same things for the further?
  5. Do you both have similar views on boundaries in a relationship?
  6. Do you both have the same sex drive?
  7. Do you have anything in common?
  8. Do you like giving head and does he like getting it?

I am hoping that you recognize that the answers to these questions are important because they will make or break your potential to be a functioning and long-lasting couple. I know number 8 was a curve ball but it is really important. Believe it or not there are some men that don’t like getting their dick sucked and their are some women who love it more than anything and you better hope the 2 of you are compatible.

So many people these days are looking for a companion and they neglect to recognize that just because their bodies say yes does not mean that in the long wrong the head’s and heart;s wont say,  “Get the fuck away from me!” Hormones are a mother fucker and once they are in charge its the equivalent of beer goggles. Right around that time of the month for women our estrogen levels are through the roof and craving testosterone. You know what this means for you macho men? It means that around this time women are extremely susceptible to your macho charms. Get it it while you can guys because after this time she may not like you as much or even at all. LOL

A couple of weeks ago this type of hormone ambush happened to me! I swear I was totally into this guy. He was hot, big and an ex athlete. He had “MAN” written all over him and I wanted to jump him the minute I met him. I didn’t of course I kept control even though all I wanted to do was rip his clothes off. LOL We started talking and I thought I really liked him. Turns out that time of the month was right around the corner so even if I wanted to get down I couldn’t……..not yet at least. After I had shed my crazy so to speak, he called and we made plans to hang out. He comes over one night because I cooked dinner for the both of us. Immediately as he walks in the door he says, “Hey Babe” and nothing! Nothing happened……I had no feeling whatsoever. I looked at his face which he had not shaved, and his clothes…..needless to say the feeling of wanting to jump his bones or boner was completely gone! UGGGHHHH Are you serious? Like I was all ready to just go for it and now I couldn’t get into it if I tried. What the hell is that about? so I started to do a little research and came to the aforementioned conclusion. I Had hormone goggles on.

 

 

5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret: Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump: “What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with. 
  2. If a tree falls in the forest…… I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall: This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet??? “Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby dicks belong on babies” ? Well if you didnt know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick: If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

CAUTION!!! Her Heart Lives In Her Vagina

Buyers beware! When you meet a girl and she is the type whose heart can be found in her vagina, enter at your own risk! Since the beginning of time (not really lol) women have been incorrectly stereotyped. I am not saying there aren’t plenty out there who do get immediately attached once they have had sex with a guy but there are the ones whose heart is more intensely linked to their brain than pussy. Those are the ones you should be looking for! You need to learn to decipher the difference or you will have sex with the wrong one and all of a sudden you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands, you are changing your phone number and moving to a new state.

Some women associate romance with sex more than others and those are the ones you need to be aware of when attempting casual sex. Because those women already have a predisposition to attachment, the release of oxytocin during and after sex is like the hyper-speed button on their emotions. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. Oxytocin is the hormone released during sex as a result of vaginal stimulation as well as breast stimulation. But what if that oxytocin released during sex makes a girl feel connected to someone who is wrong for them?

I know a girl who goes from guy to guy to guy hoping in bed and subsequently in love. She often doesn’t get to know who they are but has sex immediately and is immediately obsessed. She spends every waking moment with whatever guy she is “In Love” with at the moment and of all of those waking moments, 99% are spent fucking. You can imagine the amount of oxytocin released and why she gets so hooked. Of all of the conversations I have had with her most of them revolve around the great sex she is having. Her heart lives in her vagina and her hyper-speed button is basically stuck in the “ON” position. While she would like to think that her post-sex rush is really just how she feels about him, the truth is it has more to do with and orgasm induced release of oxytocin.

So how do you avoid getting wrapped up in the web of sex/love. I wish I could tell you a full proof formula to avoiding these kinds of women. My best piece of advice is what I always say. Honesty is the best policy. If a girl is going to fuck you day one then she is an idiot to think anything will come of it. There are exceptions to every rule of course but most of them time nothing will come of it. So your best bet is to be very honest. Tell her you are not looking for anything significant or serious. Let her know it was either a one time thing or it was just sex and nothing else. As long as you are honest with her you will have done nothing wrong.

Keep Your Options Open…….

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Since I was a kid my mother has been telling me to keep my options open. I can’t even count the times that I have heard, “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.” My mother was a wealth of clichés and with me as a daughter she needed to be. Growing up I was very picky. (Some things haven’t changed lol) When I did find someone who I liked I was all in immediately. I was horrible at juggling guys because that also meant juggling my emotions. I was very resistant to my mothers ideas and mottos all of my life and now that I am older I look back and can appreciate the importance of what she was saying.

As adults most of us learn that it is important to keep your options open. It isn’t healthy to jump right into a relationship without getting to know someone and if you don’t know that already well then hopefully this blog will help bring my point home. In order to truly appreciate and get to know the person you are talking to it is crucial that you have experienced different people. You can’t know what you like without first experiencing qualities that you don’t like. You wont be able to recognize the reg flags without having ever seen them before.

Recently I was talking to about 5 different guys at once. I know this is going to sound crazy but it was a long week and I gave out my phone number a lot. 🙂 (I didn’t sleep with any of them I was just getting to know them) So of the 5 guys, 2 of them were very quickly weeded out. One was attentive enough (turns out he had a girlfriend, dumbass!) and the second was far too attentive. Thank god for my experiences otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to recognize that behavior as someone who was desperate for any girl in a relationship, it didn’t matter who she was as long as she was hot. It took about two more weeks and one more was gone. He was a great talker; he spit game really well but just because you are a smooth talker that doesn’t mean that you are genuine. I was done with him. Then there was the fourth guy. He was really sweet, a little abrasive but a nice person at heart and had confidence. There were parts of his lifestyle that just weren’t appealing for me and to be honest I really liked the fifth guy so I had to break the news.

Sometimes juggling and keeping your options open is a really good thing. Keeping your attention spread is a way to regulate your emotions. It keeps you from diving head first into something you later find out was a bad idea. You can get to know someone on a human level rather than a romantic level. I highly recommend talking to multiple people in order to get to know them without the haze of attraction and romance clouding your decision making skills. That way you can find a person with whom you can have not only a friendship but who you also want to fuck the shit out of, so to speak. Great sex and a great friend, its what most of us are looking for.

 

Ill take it like a G if you hit that G-Spot

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I look at sex like I look at the gym, if Im sore something went right. I had a conversation recently with a girlfriend of mine about the benefits of a man with a big dick and a high sex drive. We came to the conclusion that as long as you can hit it right then we will happily walk around not being able to sit down properly. Ill take it like a G if you can hit that G-Spot.

I personally love the feeling when I leave the gym and the next day I wake up unable to walk. I am so sore that it hurts everywhere. It means that I am doing something right. The same thing goes for sex. If you like to fuck every day multiple times and as a result your girl is sore as hell, you are doing something right. I know many girls who have a very high sex drive and who appreciate a man who not only has the stamina to keep up but who can also put it down like a champ.

There is an exception to the sore rule. Many men confuse this sad style of “rabbit fucking” for some real moves. Those aren’t moves! Its like a pathetic attempt to induce and organism by fucking her like a jack hammer. You men have watched far too many porns. They are screaming “Oh god yes, fuck me harder!” because thats what YOU want to hear. That doesn’t mean she is thinking that. She is thinking, hurry up and get off already then please get the fuck out. Please men try to remember that when you are “Putting it down.” Women respond better to variety then they do constant pounding the entire time. Do what feels right in the moment for BOTH of you, not just what feels good for your dick. Because lets be real, a girl wants to feel like she got fucked, not fucked up.

The X-Files Pt 1: Friends With Your Ex

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In every relationship there comes a time to say goodbye, unless you both intend to walk down the aisle and even then the chance is still there. Somewhere down the path to breakup, one or both parties feels the need to promise to be friends. Well I DONT hate to break it to you, YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!!!!! That is if you still have feelings for them and there is always one that still has feelings. Both guys and girls are a special kind of crazy after a breakup. There is this strange glossed over look in their eyes that almost acts as reason or rational thought Kryptonite.

Wouldn’t it be just wonderful if all breakups could be mutual? If rainbows could shine 24hrs a day genies granted 3 wishes? Well lets smack you in the face with a little bit of reality here. The real reason the heartbreaker makes the suggestion to remain friends is to assuage their guilt over breaking up with their ex. The heartbreaker feels less guilty for offering the option to remain friends as if to provide themselves with some solace. Making themselves feel like less of a bad person for dumping their ex because they want to remain friends.

These are the reasons you CAN’T be friends with your ex (if you still have feelings):

You can’t kiss & tell: 

As much effort you make to remain friends with your ex, you can never confide in them. You can’t tell them about the great sex you had the night before. You can’t tell her about how this chick licked your asshole and you aren’t sure whether you liked it or you feel violated. You can’t comment on that girls nice tits and big bubble butt. There is no telling her about really liking this new girl you are dating and how you are going to meet her family. She doesn’t want to hear about why you have a big smile on your face all day long and that you are in love. Your ex will never want to hear about how big his dick was or that he did this think you have never had done before and you screamed so loud the cops were almost called. He doesn’t want to know how much you like him and that he is the best you have ever had. These are all things you can’t talk to a friend about but not and ex. You have seen each other naked! End of story; you may be able to keep and touch and tell them how you have been but they will never truly know how you have been.

It’s not you, it’s me:

Fuck that bullshit, it’s always them! Relationships are VERY VERY rarely a mutual agreement. One person is always breaking up with the other. That’s just the way it is. One person is always going to be bitter about the breakup and somewhere down the line they are with hoping for or plotting the breakup of any future relationship of yours. That green monster is all but guaranteed to rear its ugly head at some point. It will eventually cause a fight.

Friends with benefits:

There is no benefit to being friends with your ex when that benefit is sex. Guys and girls both do this shit and it drives me crazy. You are not just getting laid. You are not just satisfying a need to get fucked and they know how to do it right so that’s why you keep going there. Please shut the fuck up with that bullshit. Deep down inside you are settling for strictly sex with an ex because you are hoping they will change their mind and want a relationship again. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!! You guys broke up for a reason. They are not going to see how care free you are being, how cool and fun you are and miraculously forgot how you guys fought all the time, you were jealous crazy status and want you back. Put you crazy in a box and dump it in the ocean, for your own sake.

All that being said you need  to keep it moving. When it is over let it die. Make a clean break. Should I use any more cliché one liners in order to get my point across? Hopefully you get it. YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX, if there are still feelings there.