5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret: Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump: “What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with. 
  2. If a tree falls in the forest…… I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall: This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet??? “Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby dicks belong on babies” ? Well if you didnt know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick: If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

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Ill take it like a G if you hit that G-Spot

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I look at sex like I look at the gym, if Im sore something went right. I had a conversation recently with a girlfriend of mine about the benefits of a man with a big dick and a high sex drive. We came to the conclusion that as long as you can hit it right then we will happily walk around not being able to sit down properly. Ill take it like a G if you can hit that G-Spot.

I personally love the feeling when I leave the gym and the next day I wake up unable to walk. I am so sore that it hurts everywhere. It means that I am doing something right. The same thing goes for sex. If you like to fuck every day multiple times and as a result your girl is sore as hell, you are doing something right. I know many girls who have a very high sex drive and who appreciate a man who not only has the stamina to keep up but who can also put it down like a champ.

There is an exception to the sore rule. Many men confuse this sad style of “rabbit fucking” for some real moves. Those aren’t moves! Its like a pathetic attempt to induce and organism by fucking her like a jack hammer. You men have watched far too many porns. They are screaming “Oh god yes, fuck me harder!” because thats what YOU want to hear. That doesn’t mean she is thinking that. She is thinking, hurry up and get off already then please get the fuck out. Please men try to remember that when you are “Putting it down.” Women respond better to variety then they do constant pounding the entire time. Do what feels right in the moment for BOTH of you, not just what feels good for your dick. Because lets be real, a girl wants to feel like she got fucked, not fucked up.

“Just Put It In My Mouth!”……….Then Kiss Me Baby!

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A friend of mine said it perfectly! “Men if your not willing to kiss a girl after having your dick sucked, then be prepared to not have your dick sucked!” This topic goes both ways, however I find that women are less squeamish than men when it comes to kissing after oral sex. It amazes me how men are so eager for you to suck their dick but refuse to kiss you afterwards. I almost understand the psychology behind kissing her after you have cum in her mouth….almost. There is the fact that your juice has sperm in it, which is not the same as a girl and then there is the fear that she might snowball you, but to simply not kiss because her mouth, “tastes like dick” well that’s just fucking stupid. I mean seriously you think we like that taste of our juices in our mouth? Women tend to go with the flow with more ease than men do in cases such as these though. What do you think it says to us when you can’t handle the taste of your own dick? That’s really encouraging! Hold on you are freaked out by the possible taste of your dick, well let me try it out then.

I recently posed this very question to some people and the response was explosive! (No pun intended) I asked people’s thoughts about kissing after oral sex and as I predicted most answers were on point. There were some exceptions and to those men I commend you. Women answered like I thought they would. Of all of the ones who responded, none of them professed a disgust for kissing a guy after he has been face deep between her legs. However for the most part the men that answered explained their utter disgust in kissing a girl after putting his dick in her mouth. There were a proud few however that answered as most women would prefer they do. They said that in the heat of the moment anything goes and that if you have to think about it then you aren’t doing it right. Short of still having his cum in her mouth they would kiss no problem. GOOD MEN!!!!!! Here is the bottom line men, if you wouldn’t have the taste of you in your mouth then why the fuck would we?

Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair!

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I know you all know the song and if you don’t you have been living under a rock somewhere. Xzbit had it right, sometimes a girl just wants to get a fucked. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for to have some explosive sex every once in a while. Just because we may like you or even love you does not mean that we have to always be “making love.” Sometimes a girl wants you to be aggressive, grab her waist, throw her up against a wall, pull her head to the side by her hair, nibble on her neck a little and take what’s yours!

I can honestly say there have been more times than not in my life that I have talked about sex with my girls and the common complaint is that we haven’t been “Properly FUCKED” in a very long time. It’s actually a shame. I don’t think it’s too much to ask do you? I mean the best sex I have had in my life was almost violent LOL. I personally enjoy sex with someone whom is like a best friend because you can try anything and everything without apprehension but there is a difference between having crazy fun sex and being fucked proper.

Tips and Tricks:

Bite Me Baby! 

Nuzzle your face into her neck and nibble on her neck. Multitasking boys please use your hands at all times. Make your way down to her tits and please for the love of god don’t fucking bite down on her nipples like you are eating your first meal in days. I mean seriously it all depends on the girl but for the most part we wont like to be bitten that hard. Also try not to suck on our tits like your mom cut you off too early, we don’t like feeling like we are breast feeding. EEEEEWWWW no! A lot of guys don’t know this but a girls back is really sensitive so if you take some initiative and flip her ass over, bite a little on her back and she will go nuts.

Pull My Hair Pleeeeaaassseeeee

If you know how to do this the right way you will send her into a tail spin really quickly. Believe it or not there is a method to pulling a girl’s hair and for some reason guys are not always up on whats right and whats wrong. The area you should be grabbing is right at the nape of the neck by her roots. ALWAYS by her roots, please do not grab the ends of her hair. It doesn’t feel good it hurts and you have less control that way. you are more likely to hurt rather than turn on. The best part of the hair pulling experience is when you slide in. Hold her hair tightly when you are in her then release just a little as you come back out. Maybe whisper a little something sexy to her about how good it feels to be inside her. The experience will go through the roof for her and make it that much better for you.

Smack That Ass!

Now this depends on the girl and how she might or might not like to be spanked. So its best to provoke conversation that would lead to answers about how she may like it. Or you could just be direct if you have that kind of dynamic. In my case if I am going to have my ass smacked I prefer its while sex is going on and in the doggy style position. But its best to ask first.

That Choking Feeling

Th best way to approach choking while fucking is to start off slow and pay attention to her face. If she looks scared you should probably stop. Common sense I know but some guys don’t get it. I’m not talking erotic asphyxiation here unless that’s what you are into, I’m talking about a light choking. It’s best to start off by grabbing her throat while kissing her and apply a little bit of pressure from then on. Not every girl is going to like this so be sure to either pay close attention or ask her before hand. You don’t need the cops called on you because you freak her out and she thinks you are trying to kill her. LOL

Not everyone likes rough sex. I do every once in a while its a lot of fun. I know that a lot of my girlfriends talk about it and it has been a common theme in our girl talk that it doesn’t happen often enough. One last tip; Kevin Hart had the right idea when he suggested that you come up with a safe word for when you aren’t comfortable. His was pineapples but I’m sure you can pick your own.

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Chivalry……Lost But NOT Dead

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I have touched on this subject a little bit in a previous blog but I really wanted to dive deeper into it now because recently I had a guy open my door for me as we were leaving a club. I loved it and woke up the next day trying to recall when the last time a man made the effort to be chivalrous. I understand in today’s world that the feminist movement has brought us to a place of equality of the sexes where men can be confused on how to treat a woman. It is important to treat a a girl as a lady and remember that just because she is as capable as a man doesn’t mean she has a winging dick between her legs.

In such a strange time in history, a little bit of chivalry will go a VERY long way with the ladies. Remembering a few chivalrous actions here and there will set you leaps and bounds apart from the douche who is constantly trying to touch her ass or go dutch on the bill. (Im not saying that every dinner and movie bill is on your tab for the rest of time but while you are courting a woman try to impress a little.) There is nothing better than a man that takes the time to consider impressing the woman he is on a date with by being chivalrous in an appropriate way. Treat her like a queen and she will make you her king.

Cold Outside?

Is it cold outside? If it is and she happens to not have a coat with her then do the right thing guys. Offer her your coat! I have had this happen many times with me and it took a few times before I accepted it because I felt weak doing so. You might have to force the issue a couple times, or better yet don’t ask her if she wants your jacket just take it off and put it around her shoulders. Believe me, even if she may not feel 100% comfortable with it at first, or it seems old fashioned, she will remember it and it will factor into how she feels about you.

Sidewalk Love…… 

I know this one is going to sound a little crazy for those of you guys who are less familiar with old school chivalry, but a discerning girl will recognize and appreciate it even if she cant put her finger on what you are doing. When I was younger most of the guys I grew up with were sumbags to the 10th degree but when a girl deserved respect they treated her with it and this is were I learned about sidewalk etiquette. When walking down the street with a girl, always walk on the outside of the sidewalk. It provides her with a sense of security by protecting her form traffic. I know it sounds nuts but I have noticed when a guy makes the effort to put himself between possible danger and myself. Its sweet.

Opening Doors

This is a HUGE fucking problem these days and for shit’s sake its the easiest to remember! I mean above all else a woman will recognize a man who opens the door for her. Whether it be the car door or a door at a restaurant etc. she will take note. It is MAJOR points for you and will get you even further with her than your good looks. I as a woman hold doors for anyone coming after me, especially the elderly so if I can do it then you can as well.

Hey What’s up?! This is……..

This is an important one. I know guys sometimes get hesitant with introducing girls because they don’t want to give the girl a title they aren’t ready for yet, or then just plain don’t want to go public with a girl but guys its not about any of that. it is a respect thing. No one wants to feel unimportant or ignored. It is simply rude to not introduce the girl you are with to friends or new people. Im not saying you must set up some kind of dinner party or anything but what I am saying is if you run into friends or someone you know, don’t say hi and neglect to introduce your date. Thats just COMMON SENSE!

On a closing note, men these days like I have said before have a tendency to use the feminist movement as some kind of bullshit excuse to forgo acting like gentlemen. How the fuck did your mother raise you? Just because women are capable of taking care of themselves does not mean that you shouldn’t take the role of the leader and show a little chivalry. If you want to be like “The rest of them” then act like a douche, be a little boy and treat your girl like she is supposed to be your mommy, but if you would like to set yourself apart from the pack, be a gentlemen and employ some chivalry. Its that simple. Oh and dont try to split the damn bill with a girl, its just fucking cheap.

Don’t Be “That Guy”

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Since I am on the subject of text messaging…

With women just like with men there is an etiquette to texting. There are a few Do’s and Dont’s when texting a girl:

  1. Meaningless Texts: When you send a girl a text that is very clearly not thought through it means next to nothing to us. Apart from being excited that you are making effort to reach out, you haven’t exactly expanded on our image of you. Sending a text like, “What’s up?” or “How are you doing?” is easy. Try adding a little personality to your text or make it a little less impersonal.
  2. Stand Out & Be Original: Remember that if you think that this girl is hot, it is likely that so do many other guys which means you are probably not the only guy texting her. She is more than likely getting a hundred text messages a week from different guys. You have to stand out! Don’t annoy her but be original. Be funny! Girls remember funny. A good example is “Stop thinking about me.” LOL Be cute and make it a little more original then “Hey” and for fuck’s sake don’t just send a damn 🙂 face.
  3. Keep It Light: One thing I like most girls find especially annoying is 20 questions. Us girls don’t like to feel like we are reciting our resume through text. The conversation should be light and flirty. It shouldn’t feel like you are forcing us to keep the conversation going it should just flow.
  4. Cat & Mouse: We all say that we hate game playing but the bottom line is we still respond to it, guys and girls alike. So keep that in mind when texting a girl. Respond quickly a couple of times then go about your day. Im not saying let 5 hours pass but give it a little time every once in a while. No one wants something easily had. Staying unpredictable and mysterious will be part of your over all appeal. Its best to keep a girl guessing a little bit.

All that being said once you get to the time when its appropriate to sext message let me just say this for now, men are visual creatures which is why they respond so well to porn. So receiving a picture of you hard dick is probably not going to do it for her. At least not by itself. Throw in some thoughtful words or descriptions of what you would like to do with that hard dick of yours. I know it sounds like work but think of it this way. We work too, usually on our knees lol

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Morning sex….the difference between a GOOD day and a GREAT day.

One of the main differences between men and women is that men enjoy morning sex while women prefer to keep their bedroom shenanigans a time nighttime activity. A lot of the reason men tend to want to stick it to you in the morning has to do with nocturnal penile tumescence or NPT. It is the reason they wake up with morning wood. That glorious “Good Morning!” usually aimed right at your lower back LOL. Men get anywhere from 3 to 5 erections a night…..lucky ducks. So when they wake up, they are usually rearing to go. Most women that I have spoken to including many of my girlfriends do not like morning sex. Something about morning breathe and not feeling sexy. I call bullshit! Get over it girls! Are you kidding me??? They have already been in you, probably seen you hungover and if there have been some crazy nights maybe even make an ass of yourself. The last thing they are thinking about in the morning is your breathe, they are more concerned with their rock hard dick and what it would feel like in a warm, wet, tight you.

Start your day off the right way, with a BANG

Go ahead, release those endorphins! I know you have heard it before but ill tell you again. Sex is equivalent to running several miles and with any sexual experience, like exercise, there is the release of endorphins (our bodies natural opiate). Along with improved cholesterol and circulation, the natural opiate released is also a pain reliever as well as a happy high. The endorphin release that comes from sex causes euphoria. Think about it…..not only are you getting your morning cardio in but you are getting naturally high! Most personal trainers will tell you to work out early in the morning before work to get your day started the right way. If you don’t want to go to the gym, why not start off with a little morning sex cardio instead.

Big Spoon Little Spoon

This is the best position possible for morning sex. It is the one position that allows you to avoid things like, morning breathe, disheveled hair, pillow lines in the face and some possible drool crust on the face LOL. Spooning her from behind is sensual and yummy and if you are lucky it still feels like you are dreaming a little bit. That being said guys don’t just shove it in assuming that we, like you, are rearing to go first thing in the AM. You are probably going to have to persuade our lady parts a little bit. Some light touching and kissing her neck will do the trick. Give it a minute and you will be able to slide right in.

Keep it simple ladies and gents. Morning sex is good for you. With all of the shopping at Whole Food’s and Trader Joe’s, going to the gym, doing body cleanses, and ultimately trying to be as healthy as possible, why not combine fun and healthy and fuck as often as possible???