Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL ¬†Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. ūüôā

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No Permission No Entry

Why is it that most men start off saying, “Don’t knock it till you try it” about anal sex? Its like they think that using some cliche phrase is going to somehow convince you to throw you asshole virginity to the wind and just go for it. How about guys, you let a girl buy a strap on and shove it in your ass? See how you like it. “Don’t knock it till you try it,” right? Or even better when they do it without permission because it just “slipped in” and then they spit out, “Just relax.” Yeah fucking right! Just relax my ass!

Now I have developed a theory based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.To date I have noticed there are 2 types of guys who like anal sex. Usually it is a guy with a small dick because they are typically looking for the smallest hole possible. So if its not your asshole then they are dating cute little asian girls. (Don’t get offended girls I only say the asian thing because my boys tell me stories) The second type of guy is the one who has a boundary pushing pleasure. They like to do everything and anything. They are adventurous to an extreme. It has never been part of my own sexual bucket list to have a dick in my ass because its just not my thing but let me tell you guys without permission there is no entry!

All that being said a sneak attack was performed on my friend’s butt the other night. It was like a ninja move in the bedroom but from what I have heard from her, he has a small dick so it doesn’t surprise me that he chose to surprise her. She prefaces her story with, “My butt-hole got raped last night!!!!” Then proceeds to tell me the story, that is of course after I stopped laughing. Apparently after she left my house and went home he comes over to her house. They were having missionary sex and he goes to flip her over. She is thinking alright cool, doggy style, I love it. All of the sudden he sticks his little dick in her ass and tells her to “Just relax.” WTF!?!?!? Just fucking relax my ass! Who the fuck does that? She was mortified and in shock. Not even all the shots she had that night prepared her for that traumatizing experience. She immediately freaked out and told him to stop. She was pissed as any woman would be.

Guys there is no occasion where first time around you just put it in her ass, no discussion at all. No permission no entry bottom line. Take the dick out of the equation how would some of you like it if with no warning at all we just shoved anything in your ass. I know guys who don’t even want a finger in there let alone anything else! ¬†Why on earth would you think it was ok to just go for it with absolutely no warning? Have a little respect would you.

Ill take it like a G if you hit that G-Spot

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I look at sex like I look at the gym, if Im sore something went right. I had a conversation recently with a girlfriend of mine about the benefits of a man with a big dick and a high sex drive. We came to the conclusion that as long as you can hit it right then we will happily walk around not being able to sit down properly. Ill take it like a G if you can hit that G-Spot.

I personally love the feeling when I leave the gym and the next day I wake up unable to walk. I am so sore that it hurts everywhere. It means that I am doing something right. The same thing goes for sex. If you like to fuck every day multiple times and as a result your girl is sore as hell, you are doing something right. I know many girls who have a very high sex drive and who appreciate a man who not only has the stamina to keep up but who can also put it down like a champ.

There is an exception to the sore rule. Many men confuse this sad style of “rabbit fucking” for some real moves. Those aren’t moves! Its like a pathetic attempt to induce and organism by fucking her like a jack hammer. You men have watched far too many porns. They are screaming “Oh god yes, fuck me harder!” because thats what YOU want to hear. That doesn’t mean she is thinking that. She is thinking, hurry up and get off already then please get the fuck out. Please men try to remember that when you are “Putting it down.” Women respond better to variety then they do constant pounding the entire time. Do what feels right in the moment for BOTH of you, not just what feels good for your dick. Because lets be real, a girl wants to feel like she got fucked, not fucked up.

“Just Put It In My Mouth!”……….Then Kiss Me Baby!

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A friend of mine said it perfectly! “Men if your not willing to kiss a girl after having your dick sucked, then be prepared to not have your dick sucked!” This topic goes both ways, however I find that women are less squeamish than men when it comes to kissing after oral sex. It amazes me how men are so eager for you to suck their dick but refuse to kiss you afterwards. I almost understand the psychology behind kissing her after you have cum in her mouth….almost. There is the fact that your juice has sperm in it, which is not the same as a girl and then there is the fear that she might snowball you, but to simply not kiss because her mouth, “tastes like dick” well that’s just fucking stupid. I mean seriously you think we like that taste of our juices in our mouth? Women tend to go with the flow with more ease than men do in cases such as these though. What do you think it says to us when you can’t handle the taste of your own dick? That’s really encouraging! Hold on you are freaked out by the possible taste of your dick, well let me try it out then.

I recently posed this very question to some people and the response was explosive! (No pun intended) I asked people’s thoughts about kissing after oral sex and as I predicted most answers were on point. There were some exceptions and to those men I commend you. Women answered like I thought they would. Of all of the ones who responded, none of them professed a disgust for kissing a guy after he has been face deep between her legs. However for the most part the men that answered explained their utter disgust in kissing a girl after putting his dick in her mouth. There were a proud few however that answered as most women would prefer they do. They said that in the heat of the moment anything goes and that if you have to think about it then you aren’t doing it right. Short of still having his cum in her mouth they would kiss no problem. GOOD MEN!!!!!! Here is the bottom line men, if you wouldn’t have the taste of you in your mouth then why the fuck would we?

Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair!

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I know you all know the song and if you don’t you have been living under a rock somewhere. Xzbit had it right, sometimes a girl just wants to get a fucked. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for to have some explosive sex every once in a while. Just because we may like you or even love you does not mean that we have to always be “making love.” Sometimes a girl wants you to be aggressive, grab her waist, throw her up against a wall, pull her head to the side by her hair, nibble on her neck a little and take what’s yours!

I can honestly say there have been more times than not in my life that I have talked about sex with my girls and the common complaint is that we haven’t been “Properly FUCKED” in a very long time. It’s actually a shame. I don’t think it’s too much to ask do you? I mean the best sex I have had in my life was almost violent LOL. I personally enjoy sex with someone whom is like a best friend because you can try anything and everything without apprehension but there is a difference between having crazy fun sex and being fucked proper.

Tips and Tricks:

Bite Me Baby! 

Nuzzle your face into her neck and nibble on her neck. Multitasking boys please use your hands at all times. Make your way down to her tits and please for the love of god don’t fucking bite down on her nipples like you are eating your first meal in days. I mean seriously it all depends on the girl but for the most part we wont like to be bitten that hard. Also try not to suck on our tits like your mom cut you off too early, we don’t like feeling like we are breast feeding. EEEEEWWWW no! A lot of guys don’t know this but a girls back is really sensitive so if you take some initiative and flip her ass over, bite a little on her back and she will go nuts.

Pull My Hair Pleeeeaaassseeeee

If you know how to do this the right way you will send her into a tail spin really quickly. Believe it or not there is a method to pulling a girl’s hair and for some reason guys are not always up on whats right and whats wrong. The area you should be grabbing is right at the nape of the neck by her roots. ALWAYS by her roots, please do not grab the ends of her hair. It doesn’t feel good it hurts and you have less control that way. you are more likely to hurt rather than turn on. The best part of the hair pulling experience is when you slide in. Hold her hair tightly when you are in her then release just a little as you come back out. Maybe whisper a little something sexy to her about how good it feels to be inside her. The experience will go through the roof for her and make it that much better for you.

Smack That Ass!

Now this depends on the girl and how she might or might not like to be spanked. So its best to provoke conversation that would lead to answers about how she may like it. Or you could just be direct if you have that kind of dynamic. In my case if I am going to have my ass smacked I prefer its while sex is going on and in the doggy style position. But its best to ask first.

That Choking Feeling

Th best way to approach choking while fucking is to start off slow and pay attention to her face. If she looks scared you should probably stop. Common sense I know but some guys don’t get it. I’m not talking erotic asphyxiation here unless that’s what you are into, I’m talking about a light choking. It’s best to start off by grabbing her throat while kissing her and apply a little bit of pressure from then on. Not every girl is going to like this so be sure to either pay close attention or ask her before hand. You don’t need the cops called on you because you freak her out and she thinks you are trying to kill her. LOL

Not everyone likes rough sex. I do every once in a while its a lot of fun. I know that a lot of my girlfriends talk about it and it has been a common theme in our girl talk that it doesn’t happen often enough. One last tip; Kevin Hart had the right idea when he suggested that you come up with a safe word for when you aren’t comfortable. His was pineapples but I’m sure you can pick your own.

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Spoon full of Sugar

I know what you are thinking…..”What if I end up on the internet??” Well thats just a risk you might have to take in order to keep things fresh! Im not a shy girl by any means so if ¬†by some reason I made the mistake of dating a guy who was secretly a Douche and posted my pictures on the internet well then I have learned a valuable lesson. Don’t date Douche Bags!!!

I like to encourage freedom of body and spirit when it comes to both men and women. Believe it or not guys, us ladies like to receive pictures as well. Don’t go getting all crazy and stalk us with dick pics but please feel free to send one every once in a while. You guys don’t get to have all the fun!!!

Girls you are beautiful! Except it! If you are dating someone, the the case is that most likely he has already seen you naked and likes it. It is nice of you to remind him every once in a while what you are working with. Don’t become his Madonna 24/7, be his Whore here and there. Believe me he will be all the more hot for you.

The one thing I have heard from most guys is that their relationships lack spontaneity. Things get dry and boring and in turn they look elsewhere. There is no reason you cant keep things fun and light by appealing the one thing which most guys respond to. SEX……ill say it again SEX!!!! Same things go for you men……except with women add a little, “I miss you” or “Thinking of you” to your picture. Maybe even a “Can’t wait to see you later.” We like to feel wanted just as much as you do.

 

 

 

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Morning sex….the difference between a GOOD day and a GREAT day.

One of the main differences between men and women is that men enjoy morning sex while women prefer to keep their bedroom shenanigans a time nighttime activity. A lot of the reason men tend to want to stick it to you in the morning has to do with¬†nocturnal penile tumescence or NPT. It is the reason they wake up with morning wood. That glorious “Good Morning!” usually aimed right at your lower back LOL. Men get anywhere from 3 to 5 erections a night…..lucky ducks. So when they wake up, they are usually rearing to go. Most women that I have spoken to including many of my girlfriends do not like morning sex. Something about morning breathe and not feeling sexy. I call bullshit! Get over it girls! Are you kidding me??? They have already been in you, probably seen you hungover and if there have been some crazy nights maybe even make an ass of yourself. The last thing they are thinking about in the morning is your breathe, they are more concerned with their rock hard dick and what it would feel like in a warm, wet, tight you.

Start your day off the right way, with a BANG

Go ahead, release those endorphins! I know you have heard it before but ill tell you again. Sex is equivalent to running several miles and with any sexual experience, like exercise, there is the release of endorphins (our bodies natural opiate). Along with improved cholesterol and circulation, the natural opiate released is also a pain reliever as well as a happy high. The endorphin release that comes from sex causes euphoria. Think about it…..not only are you getting your morning cardio in but you are getting naturally high! Most personal trainers will tell you to work out early in the morning before work to get your day started the right way. If you don’t want to go to the gym, why not start off with a little morning sex cardio instead.

Big Spoon Little Spoon

This is the best position possible for morning sex. It is the one position that allows you to avoid things like, morning breathe, disheveled hair, pillow lines in the face and some possible drool crust on the face LOL. Spooning her from behind is sensual and yummy and if you are lucky it still feels like you are dreaming a little bit. That being said guys don’t just shove it in assuming that we, like you, are rearing to go first thing in the AM. You are probably going to have to persuade our lady parts a little bit. Some light touching and kissing her neck will do the trick. Give it a minute and you will be able to slide right in.

Keep it simple ladies and gents. Morning sex is good for you. With all of the shopping at Whole Food’s and Trader Joe’s, going to the gym, doing body cleanses, and ultimately trying to be as healthy as possible, why not combine fun and healthy and fuck as often as possible???¬†