Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL  Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. 🙂

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Double Dipping

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Double Dipping is usually a term used for someone who dips his or her chip takes a bite then dips again. I know what you are thinking. Are we talking about food or sex? Well for some the 2 go hand in hand but that is not what we are talking about today. I will save that one for another blog. LOL Have you ever known someone (or been that someone) who has kissed 2 people in one night or worse fucked 2 people in one night? Maybe you have set up 2 dates back to back and neither guy knows about it. Or were you the person it was done too? Either way I’m sure most of you have experienced this in one way or another.

Ok I have to admit, this idea for a blog came from an experience my friend had. He was on the receiving end but I actually have been the one to do it to someone else. I was 19 when I did it, young and reckless clearly. But first we are going to talk about his experience because we are all adults now and to double dip this day in age, short of being a hooker, is just bad form.

Recently a friend of mine was telling me a story about this girl that flew in from Miami to see him. She came here specifically for him! Keep that in mind when reading this. I’m sitting on his floor and he is telling me how this girl, who shall remain nameless, comes into town too see him but first stops at a club with her girlfriend to have some drinks and hangout. He decided that he didn’t want to go out because he was tired and had been out all week. Now this guy’s roommate works at Pure Nightclub, which just happens to be the spot, she decided to go to, and that is how he found out. Apparently after going out and getting sufficiently drunk with her friend she made out with some guy at the bar almost directly in front of the roommate. Little did the roommate know she would later go over to see my friend to fuck. He had no clue what she had been up to previous to ringing his doorbell in the wee hours but he would find out the next day. She had no clue she would be cut off but would soon figure it out when his treatment of her would become nothing short of “Fuck Off.”

No guy or girl wants to find out that they were a part of a pseudo threesome after the fact without their knowledge or consent. I am not saying that it is cheating or even wrong but in my opinion it is bad form. When you are young and you do stuff like that it is almost as if you are acting out. You get a pass because you have just figured out what sex is and are testing your own boundaries in regards to your newfound sexual freedom. You are dating and being a “Grown up.” You have watched far too much “Sex and the City” and are taking your lead from Samantha’s sexual exploits. I get it I really do; however as an adult you should have gotten all of that out of your system. You know better by now and it doesn’t have the same rush effect on you that it did when you were younger. There really is no reason to be fucking 2 people in one night or honestly even double booking dates and you sure as hell shouldn’t be flying from one side of the country to another too see a guy but first stop to make-out with another dude at a nightclub in front of said guys room-mate. This is a huge “DUH” moment.

 

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When you look like a trash bag, your ass crack is fully exposed, your t-shirt is tied up, your lips are inflated beyond belief and your hair is blonder than an OC Housewife’s, you are drawing the kind of attention that is going to get you fucked and booted quick. Listen girls I know you think you look cute, but this isn’t a rap video set nor are you living at the playboy mansion. You look low rent!

So I was at this new club called The Act last night. It is such a dope spot which is why I love going there. It was a Wednesday so it being industry night there were a ton of people I know and who all know each other. Im sitting there drinking my drink  and I turn to left to see this bitch bending completely over with a good 3 inches of ass crack hanging out! Right in my fucking face. After the shock wears off and the guys around me stop laughing at the look on my face, I take stock of this chick. Head to toe this girl had issues, and I wasn’t the only one noticing. She was wearing some pink and white striped top that she had tied up in the back like she was competing in a wet t-shirt contest. She was wearing no shoes and her feet were busted and in need of a pedicure. Her hair was bleach blonde beyond belief to go with her big blown up pink glossed lips. Then there were the jeans, they weren’t the issue, she was a curvy girl with a big ass which was nice except apparently wearing pants that fit was against her policy. A good 3 inches of ass crack was out at all times. This girl clearly needed to get it together!

Here is the thing ladies, you can be sexy without letting it all hang out. When girls dress like that it says one important thing about you, you know you aren’t actually hot so you show as much skin as possible in order to make it look like you are sexy. If you were pretty you could rest on that fact and you wouldn’t need to let it all hang out in order to garner attention. I mean really, come on now! I swear I want to take girls like that shopping and show then what style looks like. Pick up a fucking magazine, know your damn body, and understand that the only time its appropriate for you took look like a hoe, is well never. Unless you are making money off your ass don’t dress like a low rent hooker.

Let Me Spoil You

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I dont want to hear any more bitching from you men about gold diggers. I know at some point in your childhood I know you heard the story about the mouse and the cookie. There are two types of men I have run into since relocating to Las Vegas. Im not saying they don’t exist elsewhere but it seems to run ramp-et here. There is the man who blatantly comes right out with it. He literally states, “Let me spoil you.” He is usually the older guy with an affinity for younger girls and a pathetic need to be adored, admired and appreciated for the one thing he has to offer, money. Then there is the guy who very clearly has money, likes to spend it and likes it to be known. He wears big diamond watches and drives an obnoxious car. He walks around in a ton of labels and carries a lot of cash or flashes that black card. The latter is usually the one who is complaining about the girls who only want them for their money. They are the ones I like to smack in the fucking face with a little reality.

First off the old man who likes to spoil a girl is usually under the clear impression that they are going to spend obscene amounts of money on a young girl with the expectation that eventually she is going to fuck him. Now the girl on the other hand knows that she is going to push that envelope as far as she can. She will set boundaries and avoid situations where he can make a move. She is going to avoid sex at all costs! They will go to expensive dinners, nice vacations and on shopping sprees. She will probably be able to go at least a couple months before he starts to get frustrated with her holding out. Then the inevitable……..He wants pussy and she isn’t giving it up. LOL So onto the next old guy who is dumb enough to fall for this act.  Its his own fault.

Now my favorite, the second guy. This guy is the biggest ass in my opinion. He is like the dumb chic who walks around with her huge tits out, her makeup and hair to the nines, hanging out with old men asking why everyone thinks she is a hooker lol. Dumbass! I dont want to hear ur bitching anymore guys. You wear your big ass obnoxious diamond watches, your Louis Vuitton t-shirt, your Louboutin kicks and a shinny chain and its all like a big fucking sign that says, “I have money please see my zipper for applications.” LOL Its your own fault. You cant ask for a chic who looks like a 10 and then get mad when that same girl wants you to spend. (I wasn’t trying to rhyme there I swear lol) I am not saying that all girls who look like 10’s are also gold diggers but I will say that if she has some red bottoms on, and is rocking labels head to toe but doesn’t have a job that matches the money she is wearing, chances are there was a dude before you that bought it and you are next. Or she has family money either way she is high maintenance and you asked for it.

On a closing note you get what you ask for. There is always a trade off when a girl is beautiful. There are exceptions to this rule but for the most part if she looks high-maintanance then she probably is. If you like it and you are asking for it then don’t bitch about it.