Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

photo

We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL ¬†Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. ūüôā

Advertisements

No Permission No Entry

Why is it that most men start off saying, “Don’t knock it till you try it” about anal sex? Its like they think that using some cliche phrase is going to somehow convince you to throw you asshole virginity to the wind and just go for it. How about guys, you let a girl buy a strap on and shove it in your ass? See how you like it. “Don’t knock it till you try it,” right? Or even better when they do it without permission because it just “slipped in” and then they spit out, “Just relax.” Yeah fucking right! Just relax my ass!

Now I have developed a theory based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.To date I have noticed there are 2 types of guys who like anal sex. Usually it is a guy with a small dick because they are typically looking for the smallest hole possible. So if its not your asshole then they are dating cute little asian girls. (Don’t get offended girls I only say the asian thing because my boys tell me stories) The second type of guy is the one who has a boundary pushing pleasure. They like to do everything and anything. They are adventurous to an extreme. It has never been part of my own sexual bucket list to have a dick in my ass because its just not my thing but let me tell you guys without permission there is no entry!

All that being said a sneak attack was performed on my friend’s butt the other night. It was like a ninja move in the bedroom but from what I have heard from her, he has a small dick so it doesn’t surprise me that he chose to surprise her. She prefaces her story with, “My butt-hole got raped last night!!!!” Then proceeds to tell me the story, that is of course after I stopped laughing. Apparently after she left my house and went home he comes over to her house. They were having missionary sex and he goes to flip her over. She is thinking alright cool, doggy style, I love it. All of the sudden he sticks his little dick in her ass and tells her to “Just relax.” WTF!?!?!? Just fucking relax my ass! Who the fuck does that? She was mortified and in shock. Not even all the shots she had that night prepared her for that traumatizing experience. She immediately freaked out and told him to stop. She was pissed as any woman would be.

Guys there is no occasion where first time around you just put it in her ass, no discussion at all. No permission no entry bottom line. Take the dick out of the equation how would some of you like it if with no warning at all we just shoved anything in your ass. I know guys who don’t even want a finger in there let alone anything else! ¬†Why on earth would you think it was ok to just go for it with absolutely no warning? Have a little respect would you.

Lust at first sight…..Hormone goggles gone HORRIBLY wrong

You would think there would be a stage in life when we stop acting like horny teenagers but Im starting to think that there really isn’t. I am 27 years old and still fall into lust at first sight! Many people however constantly confuse lust at first sight for the other “L” word. They are in love immediately and there is no room in their dopamine induced decision making for error. Newsflash folks, you haven’t found Mr./Mrs. Right you have found Mr./Mrs. Right Now.

Ask your self these questions:

  1. Do you like them as a person?
  2. Could you see yourself doing things with that didn’t involve partying or sex?
  3. do you both have the same work ethic?
  4. Do you both want the same things for the further?
  5. Do you both have similar views on boundaries in a relationship?
  6. Do you both have the same sex drive?
  7. Do you have anything in common?
  8. Do you like giving head and does he like getting it?

I am hoping that you recognize that the answers to these questions are important because they will make or break your potential to be a functioning and long-lasting couple. I know number 8 was a curve ball but it is really important. Believe it or not there are some men that don’t like getting their dick sucked and their are some women who love it more than anything and you better hope the 2 of you are compatible.

So many people these days are looking for a companion and they neglect to recognize that just because their bodies say yes does not mean that in the long wrong the head’s and heart;s wont say, ¬†“Get the fuck away from me!” Hormones are a mother fucker and once they are in charge its the equivalent of beer goggles. Right around that time of the month for women our estrogen levels are through the roof and craving testosterone. You know what this means for you macho men? It means that around this time women are extremely susceptible to your macho charms. Get it it while you can guys because after this time she may not like you as much or even at all. LOL

A couple of weeks ago this type of hormone ambush happened to me! I swear I was totally into this guy. He was hot, big and an ex athlete. He had “MAN” written all over him and I wanted to jump him the minute I met him. I didn’t of course I kept control even though all I wanted to do was rip his clothes off. LOL We started talking and I thought I really liked him. Turns out that time of the month was right around the corner so even if I wanted to get down I couldn’t……..not yet at least. After I had shed my crazy so to speak, he called and we made plans to hang out. He comes over one night because I cooked dinner for the both of us. Immediately as he walks in the door he says, “Hey Babe” and nothing! Nothing happened……I had no feeling whatsoever. I looked at his face which he had not shaved, and his clothes…..needless to say the feeling of wanting to jump his bones or boner was completely gone! UGGGHHHH Are you serious? Like I was all ready to just go for it and now I couldn’t get into it if I tried. What the hell is that about? so I started to do a little research and came to the aforementioned conclusion. I Had hormone goggles on.

 

 

Im not a player I just Crush a lot

photo

So since I was a kid my friends have called me a “Man-Eater” LOL I am not saying that I am but I am saying that I usually have an attention span that last about 3 weeks before I get bored of whomever I am talking to at the moment and I move on. But this was when I was younger and although I still have the same short attention span I am more open to the idea of a relationship than when I was younger. So recently something was said to me that pissed me off but made my think.

A guy hit me up on Instagram and asked for my phone number. At first I said “HELL NO” because as most of you know I have a serious bone to pick with the idiots that use social networking as some kind of surrogate E-Harmoney. Not long after that he friend requested me on Facebook and I accepted. We spoke a little bit and after calling him out on some bullshit he told me, “If anyone has a shady relationship history its you. You are the player.” LOL are you kidding me???? Im a player? Well lets just clear this right the fuck up.

Player: A male/female who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

That would not be me! I am BEYOND honest at all times with men especially when I am not interested in them. I make it 100% crystal fucking clear at all times. So why would this guy call me a player? Well after a good conversation with a friend of mine where he told me that this guy is a fucking idiot, I finally figure it out. Rejection is a mother fucker and rather than reacting like a mature adult, he threw a bitch fitch and did the equivalent of telling me “You aren’t hot anyway!” LOL some people just cant handle it well. Unfortunately for him that kind of behavior is why he is single. For future reference if you want a woman you should probably act like a fucking MAN!

Starving for Attention……”Eat Me!!!!”

Have you ever been talking to a guy/girl who you like and want to date only for them to jerk you around? They like you, they don’t like you, they want to be with you, they aren’t sure. You get to ride the roller coaster with them only to have them come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready for a relationship. I know it has happened to all of us at some point in our lives, or even worse you have done it to someone else. In previous blogs I do encourage you to date people and really get to know what you do and don’t like in others. This however is not what I was talking about.

My friend was talking to a guy recently whom she had been talking to for a few years. After many “I love you’s” and making plans they finally met up when he came into town to see her. They had a great weekend together filled with laughter and plans for the future. The day after he went home he¬†wigged¬†out. All of the sudden he needs time and¬†isn’t¬†sure. He is overwhelmed. Bullshit!!!!!! ¬† If he¬†didn’t¬†know what he wanted he should have been strong enough to vocalize that. Instead what he did was give her hope and talk her into something she¬†didn’t¬†even know she wanted, all because he was too afraid to be alone.

I see people do this a lot. I see it more in young people who are afraid to be alone and are starved for attention. They talk to multiple people and make false promises in order to give that person hope and keep them around longer. Some do it for an ego boost but most do it because they are starved for attention and validation. So all this being said, it makes me wonder……Why do people do unto others what they have had done to them? If a person has been led on and given hope only to be let down, why would they do it to someone else?

5 Yard Penalty!

referee

I’m going to let you in on a little known secret:¬†Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump:¬†“What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with.¬†
  2. If a tree falls in the forest……¬†I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall:¬†This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet???¬†“Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby¬†dicks¬†belong on babies” ? Well if you¬†didnt¬†know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick:¬†If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

CAUTION!!! Her Heart Lives In Her Vagina

Buyers beware! When you meet a girl and she is the type whose heart can be found in her vagina, enter at your own risk! Since the beginning of time (not really lol) women have been incorrectly stereotyped. I am not saying there aren’t plenty out there who do get immediately attached once they have had sex with a guy but there are the ones whose heart is more intensely linked to their brain than pussy. Those are the ones you should be looking for!¬†You need to learn to decipher the difference or you will have sex with the wrong one and all of a sudden you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands, you are changing your phone number and moving to a new state.

Some women associate romance with sex more than others and those are the ones you need to be aware of when attempting casual sex. Because those women already have a predisposition to attachment, the release of oxytocin during and after sex is like the hyper-speed button on their emotions. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. Oxytocin is the hormone released during sex as a result of vaginal stimulation as well as breast stimulation. But what if that oxytocin released during sex makes a girl feel connected to someone who is wrong for them?

I know a girl who goes from guy to guy to guy hoping in bed and subsequently in love. She often doesn’t get to know who they are but has sex immediately and is immediately obsessed. She spends every waking moment with whatever guy she is “In Love” with at the moment and of all of those waking moments, 99% are spent fucking. You can imagine the amount of oxytocin released and why she gets so hooked. Of all of the conversations I have had with her most of them revolve around the great sex she is having. Her heart lives in her vagina and her hyper-speed button is basically stuck in the “ON” position. While she would like to think that her post-sex rush is really just how she feels about him, the truth is it has more to do with and orgasm induced release of oxytocin.

So how do you avoid getting wrapped up in the web of sex/love. I wish I could tell you a full proof formula to avoiding these kinds of women. My best piece of advice is what I always say. Honesty is the best policy. If a girl is going to fuck you day one then she is an idiot to think anything will come of it. There are exceptions to every rule of course but most of them time nothing will come of it. So your best bet is to be very honest. Tell her you are not looking for anything significant or serious. Let her know it was either a one time thing or it was just sex and nothing else. As long as you are honest with her you will have done nothing wrong.