5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret: Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump: “What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with. 
  2. If a tree falls in the forest…… I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall: This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet??? “Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby dicks belong on babies” ? Well if you didnt know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick: If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

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Did You Just Send Me A Picture Of Your Dick?!?!?!?

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Its been 5 fucking minutes since you gave him your number and you already have a picture of his dick. I know, disgusting right?!?! For real though guys what are you thinking? Is that your way of letting us know you want to fuck? Like we don’t already know that? You are built to eat, sleep and fuck, we get it.

Ladies, do you ever notice how its always at some awkward upward angle, so they can showcase how far up their stomach it goes. As if we need help seeing how big or small it is? Well news flash guys, yes size does matter but not if you don’t know how to use it. No amount of girth or length is going to rescue you from your own shitty rhythm, so sending us a picture of your dick right off the bat is only going to turn us off. Now thats not to say there aren’t exceptions to the dick picture thing. I love a picture of a dick that I have had inside me, or if I ask for it. If I’m still sleeping with you then feel free, but to just assault my eyes with a random ass picture of you 6inch wonder is just not cool.

Why do you guys do that? I really don’t understand it at all. Women are not visual the way men are. Its tantamount to a visual assault when you send pictures like that with absolutely no provocation. I had it happen to me recently. I gave my number out to this guy as I usually do when its asked for nicely. The very same night I am out at the club, drinking, dancing and having a grand ole time. I look down at my phone to see a text from a number I didn’t know. I open it up to see this pathetic excuse for a dick. At first I was totally grossed out, then I laughed. I mean seriously was that supposed to impress me? It was sad and crooked. LOL Not exactly what I would look forward to having sex with. That guy is lucky I didn’t completely put him on blast by posting it on the internet, but I didn’t want to subject anyone else to that kind of horror. The moral of the story guys is that there is almost never an occasion where we look forward to seeing your dick pop up on our phone 5 min after meeting you. Keep this in mind for the future when you meet a girl out. Just say NO!

Big Dick Problems

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I know what you are thinking……..A BIG DICK IS NEVER A PROBLEM! Lol But you would be wrong. Sometimes guys, it is a problem. I have never met a girl who would object to the added friction of a big dick but I have met plenty who complained that if it is too big it is no bueno. On average the length of space you have to work with is 6 inches. Anything more than that and you have to get creative.I have had wonderful penis karma as I like to call it. I haven’t really come into contact with many small dicks. I mean we have all had at least one or 2 in our lives. Myself I have had about 2, unfortunately for most women they have had many more lol. Thank god for my good karma! Now I am not saying that a big dick = great sex but it helps.

There are some ways to alleviate the pain that can come with certain positions

  1. Use a lot of lube!!!! Even if a girl is normally or even extra wet eventually the sporadic pain that comes from a big dick will affect her and she could dry out. The lube will lessen the friction which can keep your sex marathon going the distance. (stick to water or silicone based not oil based)
  2. Avoid Anal/Doggy/or her on Top. Anal sex is usually a no go with a big dick. That particular hole is not as elastic as a vagina. A vagina is meant to have things going in an out of it so it is prepared to expand and contract. Anal sex is most likely going to be VERY painful. Doggy style is specifically meant for deeper penetration. Its perfect for the small dick crew lol. You can feel more and they can feel more manly! I love doggy-style so Ill push my boundaries for a big dick in that position you just have to be a little more gentle. As far as being on top, no girl likes to feel a dick in her ribs. It feels like we are choking on your dick from the inside. It sounds awesome but its not lol. Reverse Cowgirl helps with that. It creates a little barrier in my experience.
  3. Take your time: If you have a big dick you cant jump in thrashing around like a bull in a china shop. Go slow and have some damn patience. That is all.