Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL ¬†Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. ūüôā

No Permission No Entry

Why is it that most men start off saying, “Don’t knock it till you try it” about anal sex? Its like they think that using some cliche phrase is going to somehow convince you to throw you asshole virginity to the wind and just go for it. How about guys, you let a girl buy a strap on and shove it in your ass? See how you like it. “Don’t knock it till you try it,” right? Or even better when they do it without permission because it just “slipped in” and then they spit out, “Just relax.” Yeah fucking right! Just relax my ass!

Now I have developed a theory based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.To date I have noticed there are 2 types of guys who like anal sex. Usually it is a guy with a small dick because they are typically looking for the smallest hole possible. So if its not your asshole then they are dating cute little asian girls. (Don’t get offended girls I only say the asian thing because my boys tell me stories) The second type of guy is the one who has a boundary pushing pleasure. They like to do everything and anything. They are adventurous to an extreme. It has never been part of my own sexual bucket list to have a dick in my ass because its just not my thing but let me tell you guys without permission there is no entry!

All that being said a sneak attack was performed on my friend’s butt the other night. It was like a ninja move in the bedroom but from what I have heard from her, he has a small dick so it doesn’t surprise me that he chose to surprise her. She prefaces her story with, “My butt-hole got raped last night!!!!” Then proceeds to tell me the story, that is of course after I stopped laughing. Apparently after she left my house and went home he comes over to her house. They were having missionary sex and he goes to flip her over. She is thinking alright cool, doggy style, I love it. All of the sudden he sticks his little dick in her ass and tells her to “Just relax.” WTF!?!?!? Just fucking relax my ass! Who the fuck does that? She was mortified and in shock. Not even all the shots she had that night prepared her for that traumatizing experience. She immediately freaked out and told him to stop. She was pissed as any woman would be.

Guys there is no occasion where first time around you just put it in her ass, no discussion at all. No permission no entry bottom line. Take the dick out of the equation how would some of you like it if with no warning at all we just shoved anything in your ass. I know guys who don’t even want a finger in there let alone anything else! ¬†Why on earth would you think it was ok to just go for it with absolutely no warning? Have a little respect would you.

Lust at first sight…..Hormone goggles gone HORRIBLY wrong

You would think there would be a stage in life when we stop acting like horny teenagers but Im starting to think that there really isn’t. I am 27 years old and still fall into lust at first sight! Many people however constantly confuse lust at first sight for the other “L” word. They are in love immediately and there is no room in their dopamine induced decision making for error. Newsflash folks, you haven’t found Mr./Mrs. Right you have found Mr./Mrs. Right Now.

Ask your self these questions:

  1. Do you like them as a person?
  2. Could you see yourself doing things with that didn’t involve partying or sex?
  3. do you both have the same work ethic?
  4. Do you both want the same things for the further?
  5. Do you both have similar views on boundaries in a relationship?
  6. Do you both have the same sex drive?
  7. Do you have anything in common?
  8. Do you like giving head and does he like getting it?

I am hoping that you recognize that the answers to these questions are important because they will make or break your potential to be a functioning and long-lasting couple. I know number 8 was a curve ball but it is really important. Believe it or not there are some men that don’t like getting their dick sucked and their are some women who love it more than anything and you better hope the 2 of you are compatible.

So many people these days are looking for a companion and they neglect to recognize that just because their bodies say yes does not mean that in the long wrong the head’s and heart;s wont say, ¬†“Get the fuck away from me!” Hormones are a mother fucker and once they are in charge its the equivalent of beer goggles. Right around that time of the month for women our estrogen levels are through the roof and craving testosterone. You know what this means for you macho men? It means that around this time women are extremely susceptible to your macho charms. Get it it while you can guys because after this time she may not like you as much or even at all. LOL

A couple of weeks ago this type of hormone ambush happened to me! I swear I was totally into this guy. He was hot, big and an ex athlete. He had “MAN” written all over him and I wanted to jump him the minute I met him. I didn’t of course I kept control even though all I wanted to do was rip his clothes off. LOL We started talking and I thought I really liked him. Turns out that time of the month was right around the corner so even if I wanted to get down I couldn’t……..not yet at least. After I had shed my crazy so to speak, he called and we made plans to hang out. He comes over one night because I cooked dinner for the both of us. Immediately as he walks in the door he says, “Hey Babe” and nothing! Nothing happened……I had no feeling whatsoever. I looked at his face which he had not shaved, and his clothes…..needless to say the feeling of wanting to jump his bones or boner was completely gone! UGGGHHHH Are you serious? Like I was all ready to just go for it and now I couldn’t get into it if I tried. What the hell is that about? so I started to do a little research and came to the aforementioned conclusion. I Had hormone goggles on.

 

 

Im not a player I just Crush a lot

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So since I was a kid my friends have called me a “Man-Eater” LOL I am not saying that I am but I am saying that I usually have an attention span that last about 3 weeks before I get bored of whomever I am talking to at the moment and I move on. But this was when I was younger and although I still have the same short attention span I am more open to the idea of a relationship than when I was younger. So recently something was said to me that pissed me off but made my think.

A guy hit me up on Instagram and asked for my phone number. At first I said “HELL NO” because as most of you know I have a serious bone to pick with the idiots that use social networking as some kind of surrogate E-Harmoney. Not long after that he friend requested me on Facebook and I accepted. We spoke a little bit and after calling him out on some bullshit he told me, “If anyone has a shady relationship history its you. You are the player.” LOL are you kidding me???? Im a player? Well lets just clear this right the fuck up.

Player: A male/female who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

That would not be me! I am BEYOND honest at all times with men especially when I am not interested in them. I make it 100% crystal fucking clear at all times. So why would this guy call me a player? Well after a good conversation with a friend of mine where he told me that this guy is a fucking idiot, I finally figure it out. Rejection is a mother fucker and rather than reacting like a mature adult, he threw a bitch fitch and did the equivalent of telling me “You aren’t hot anyway!” LOL some people just cant handle it well. Unfortunately for him that kind of behavior is why he is single. For future reference if you want a woman you should probably act like a fucking MAN!

5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret:¬†Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump:¬†“What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with.¬†
  2. If a tree falls in the forest……¬†I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall:¬†This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet???¬†“Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby¬†dicks¬†belong on babies” ? Well if you¬†didnt¬†know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick:¬†If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

Bad Decions & Writer’s Block

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I have had a horrible case of writer’s block recently and it has been driving me fucking nuts. It feels like I have been very unproductive and honestly letting people down. Because the format for my blog is geared more towards advice rather than a journal I have been hesitant to write about this but I have decided to take a friend’s advice and just write in the hopes that getting it out will lead to a break through.

I wrote a blog recently about keeping your options open. Well just because you keep your options open and you think that you are making informed decisions that doesn’t mean the the one you pick is necessarily going to be the right one. Sometimes you do made a bad decision. Unfortunately part of your informed decision is based on what they tell you and how much you believe them.

In my last blog I talked about the 5 different guys I was talking to and how at the end it came down to 2. The 4th guy I decided against partly because of his life choices and circumstances but mainly because I really liked the 5th guy. Number 5 and I not only took time to form a friendship but were pretty open and honest with each other. We discussed in detail what we both wanted in terms of our continued interaction and I believed we were on the same page. Well I was wrong. I am not saying he lied, I truly believe that he meant what he said when he was saying it but that doesn’t mean he meant it after it came out of his mouth. The point is that I chose him because I liked him and felt a genuine connection with him. It really bummed me out when a couple of weeks later he decided to try things again with his ex girlfriend of years. He was only honest after I basically told him I needed more, wasn’t getting it and was done. Now this is not a bashing blog, mind you I had slept with someone else at this point. Im by no means innocent. (You would know this if you read my other blogs LOL) When I am done I am done……..and I was fucking done. Its not all on this guy but bottom line I wasn’t getting what I wanted.

All of this aside I still really like him and have a friendship with him. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am a strong independent woman and because of this I will move on but right now it is getting in the way of my writing. I miss him and our chats and being able to be open. Its unfortunate that making the wrong decision with him as far as taking a friendship and letting it run wild right into a romantic thing has kind of fucked me over in my writing. When you are a happy person and someone takes your happy to another giddy kind of level it affects you. It affected my writing and now that it is gone I am having a hard time finding my funny again. I am hoping that this blog will help get some of this off of my mind and I can get back to being free.

 

Ill take it like a G if you hit that G-Spot

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I look at sex like I look at the gym, if Im sore something went right. I had a conversation recently with a girlfriend of mine about the benefits of a man with a big dick and a high sex drive. We came to the conclusion that as long as you can hit it right then we will happily walk around not being able to sit down properly. Ill take it like a G if you can hit that G-Spot.

I personally love the feeling when I leave the gym and the next day I wake up unable to walk. I am so sore that it hurts everywhere. It means that I am doing something right. The same thing goes for sex. If you like to fuck every day multiple times and as a result your girl is sore as hell, you are doing something right. I know many girls who have a very high sex drive and who appreciate a man who not only has the stamina to keep up but who can also put it down like a champ.

There is an exception to the sore rule. Many men confuse this sad style of “rabbit fucking” for some real moves. Those aren’t moves! Its like a pathetic attempt to induce and organism by fucking her like a jack hammer. You men have watched far too many porns. They are screaming “Oh god yes, fuck me harder!” because thats what YOU want to hear. That doesn’t mean she is thinking that. She is thinking, hurry up and get off already then please get the fuck out. Please men try to remember that when you are “Putting it down.” Women respond better to variety then they do constant pounding the entire time. Do what feels right in the moment for BOTH of you, not just what feels good for your dick. Because lets be real, a girl wants to feel like she got fucked, not fucked up.