BAD

“Is it bad that I never made love, no I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues, I won’t commit
No, not having it
But at least I can admit that I’ll be bad no to you
Yeah, I’ll be good in bed but I’ll be bad to you
Bad that I never made love, no I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck”

A new song for our generation? I know it sounds sappy as hell but have you ever made love? I was racking my mind this morning thinking of all of my sexual encounters. I was going back through the reel that we all have. I was a virgin until I was 18. Hard to believe I know. LOL I was thinking back to my very first time and going through every time and guy since then. It is a little disturbing but for most of them, I was intoxicated so I could honestly say they were not “love making” experiences. That’s not to say that you can’t have sex in a love making way but let’s be real, its still just sex. Then I started to consider the fact that almost all of my experiences weren’t as a result out of any form of monogamy. Could that be it? Was that the secret sauce, so to say, missing from my experiences?

I was monogamous with one guy. He was one of my best friends for years. He was an amazing person and so much fun. He loved that I wore converse, vans, long socks. short shorts, wife beaters and my hair wild and whatever. He was my homie and my lover. We always had really good sex because it was fun and carefree. We didn’t care and there were no pretenses. However even with him I don’t think we ever made love. I loved him of course more than I had ever loved anyone but I have never really been open enough to be in love with someone so even with him it wasn’t “making love.”

I sometimes wonder if it is possible for me to be in love. What is that like? Or maybe I have been but I’m not sure. Maybe this is something that everyone goes through in life or it could be the great deficiency of our generation. We are like kids in a candy store. So many flavors, making it so hard to choose just one. Every day, flooded by the many shapes and colors, unable to make a choice and stick with it. How do you choose just one? Is it even possible anymore?

Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL  Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. 🙂

Cold hearted?

I’m not cold hearted I’m just over it! I love it when guys think that their dick has some magical power over a girl. Mind you yes there are some girls who give women a bad reputation for attaching to every man they sleep with, but I ain’t the one.

I was seeing a guy recently who was under this same sad misinformed impression. We hung out for about a month when I realized a couple of things actually.

First I realized that due to starting a new job I had absolutely no time for my self let alone him.

Secondly I started to think to myself that aside from really good sex we had very little in common. I pondered like most women do, “do I really want a relationship with this guy?” I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t. I didn’t have feelings for him, I was merely attracted to his personality. There is a huge difference but because some women are lonely they refuse to act smart instead of forcing themselves to fall hard.

3rd on my list of mini realizations was that the kid really didn’t like me all that much either. It’s no big deal, I don’t take it personally because not everyone is going to be a match.

So I hit him up after a couple days of not talking and said, “listen we aren’t on the same page with the things we want and quite honestly if you really wanted something with me you would hit me up to hang out so why don’t we just go our separate ways.” He didn’t take that well at all! He proceeded to berate me, calling me names and telling me to, “stay off his line and delete his fucking number.” LOL I haven’t had a response like that from a man ever in my life. Which is understandable because he is a boy of 25. Me calling him a man was far to generous a title. By the way I had to ask what, “stay off my line” meant. LOL Who the fuck knew? Well needless to say I told him he has the right to his feelings and I’m sorry that I upset him. I ended the conversation with telling him to have a nice night. The conversation consisted of much more name calling and cussing from him but it isn’t really necessary to give a play by play of his stupidity.

So, guess who received a 5am text message apologizing for “flashing” on me. (Again with the slang that just makes him sound dumb.) he asked if we we were cool and and I said yes. I didn’t realize by saying yes that he would take that as we can still fuck. My bad LOL Apparently we were speaking two VERY different languages. When I said we were cool, what I meant was that I don’t have the time or energy to hate him. Nor do I care to so if we are ever around each other we can be cordial.

Over the next 2 weeks I received numerous late night back to back drunk texts and calls. And when I say back to back I mean 6 fucking phone calls in a row followed by 5 texts telling me to fuck off for not answering the phone. That shit just got ridiculous after a while. I finally lost my cool the other night at Tao and calmly explained to him that I’m sorry if he was under the false impression that I wanted to continue having sex with him but that was NOT the case. Can you guess what happened next? Names like “fucking whore” and “silly bitch” were thrown around. I mean I couldn’t help but laugh at the entire tantrum. Make no mistake, that’s exactly what he was doing. Throwing a fucking tantrum like a toddler. My words verbatim were, “I am tired of putting up with your fits. Do not contact me again.” What the hell else was I supposed to do? The poor guy was probably embarrassed as hell the next day and if he wasn’t be sure as hell should have been.

Final thought: The second a guy shows you their “crazy” you show them the door.

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No Permission No Entry

Why is it that most men start off saying, “Don’t knock it till you try it” about anal sex? Its like they think that using some cliche phrase is going to somehow convince you to throw you asshole virginity to the wind and just go for it. How about guys, you let a girl buy a strap on and shove it in your ass? See how you like it. “Don’t knock it till you try it,” right? Or even better when they do it without permission because it just “slipped in” and then they spit out, “Just relax.” Yeah fucking right! Just relax my ass!

Now I have developed a theory based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.To date I have noticed there are 2 types of guys who like anal sex. Usually it is a guy with a small dick because they are typically looking for the smallest hole possible. So if its not your asshole then they are dating cute little asian girls. (Don’t get offended girls I only say the asian thing because my boys tell me stories) The second type of guy is the one who has a boundary pushing pleasure. They like to do everything and anything. They are adventurous to an extreme. It has never been part of my own sexual bucket list to have a dick in my ass because its just not my thing but let me tell you guys without permission there is no entry!

All that being said a sneak attack was performed on my friend’s butt the other night. It was like a ninja move in the bedroom but from what I have heard from her, he has a small dick so it doesn’t surprise me that he chose to surprise her. She prefaces her story with, “My butt-hole got raped last night!!!!” Then proceeds to tell me the story, that is of course after I stopped laughing. Apparently after she left my house and went home he comes over to her house. They were having missionary sex and he goes to flip her over. She is thinking alright cool, doggy style, I love it. All of the sudden he sticks his little dick in her ass and tells her to “Just relax.” WTF!?!?!? Just fucking relax my ass! Who the fuck does that? She was mortified and in shock. Not even all the shots she had that night prepared her for that traumatizing experience. She immediately freaked out and told him to stop. She was pissed as any woman would be.

Guys there is no occasion where first time around you just put it in her ass, no discussion at all. No permission no entry bottom line. Take the dick out of the equation how would some of you like it if with no warning at all we just shoved anything in your ass. I know guys who don’t even want a finger in there let alone anything else!  Why on earth would you think it was ok to just go for it with absolutely no warning? Have a little respect would you.

Feed me some BULLSHIT & I’ll throw up in your face!

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Do you ever notice how men think that they need to romance you, tell you they like you and want to be with you in order to fuck you. Then once they do they are over it and move on? Do they not realize that women want sex too? Women don’t always need to be lubed up in order for you to get it in. Romance movies have ruined our lives! Men think they have to promise a woman the world, buy her flowers, whisper (text) sweet nothings into her ear, in order to get her into bed. Let me let you in on a little reality gentlemen. Women for the most part, make up their minds within the first 5 minutes whether or not they are going to sleep with you. No matter what you say they have already decided. In fact the more you say could actually kill your chances of getting laid.

So here are some tips:

  1. Be Respectful: Just because the goal is sex does not mean that the idea of respect goes out the window. Aretha Franklin had it right, all that anyone wants is a little respect. Just a little bit. Oh yeah, just a little bit. You can still get to your end game, while respecting her but not leading her on.
  2. Giver Her A Giggle: Easing the mood will help put her in the right frame of mind. Of course alcohol always helps but laughter is a better tool. It lightens the mood and keeps things on a level that isn’t so serious. When a girl is happy and smiling there is no limit to what you can accomplish.
  3. Stroke It: Mae West once stated, “Flattery will get you everywhere” and she was right. Now I’m not saying outright lie to the girl or to lay it on so thick that she thinks you want more than just sex, but tell her a few nice things about herself and more than likely she will respond positively.

On the opposite side there are some things that you should avoid. Women are not fragile creatures that will fall to pieces at the first sign of their fairytale being crap. Not every girl wants you to be her prince charming. Some women just want you to be their gentleman caller. You come, you service and you don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. That being said there are ways to avoid pissing her off after the fact.

Things not to do:

  1. Fairytale Haze: Dont lay it on too thick. Don’t tell her about your hopes and dreams of marriage and family. Don’t talk about the 2 of you as a “We” and don’t talk about plans for any future date with her.
  2. Liar Liar: Dont make up false hoods about your life. Don’t try to make yourself seem bigger and badder than you actually are. If the girl is smart she will see through it and sex has just been taken off the table and if they girl is an idiot and believes you than later on you have a very angry girl on your hands.
  3. Flirting Only: You can flirt and get your way a lot faster than you can with lies. Just keep it light and friendly!

It is hit and miss as far as your chances of getting laid go but you are less likely to leave man hating women in your wake of bullshit if you are honest more times than not. If you feed a girl some Bullshit be prepared to have her throw up or blow up in your face. You want to see a girl go really crazy…….lead her on and piss her off.

 

Lust at first sight…..Hormone goggles gone HORRIBLY wrong

You would think there would be a stage in life when we stop acting like horny teenagers but Im starting to think that there really isn’t. I am 27 years old and still fall into lust at first sight! Many people however constantly confuse lust at first sight for the other “L” word. They are in love immediately and there is no room in their dopamine induced decision making for error. Newsflash folks, you haven’t found Mr./Mrs. Right you have found Mr./Mrs. Right Now.

Ask your self these questions:

  1. Do you like them as a person?
  2. Could you see yourself doing things with that didn’t involve partying or sex?
  3. do you both have the same work ethic?
  4. Do you both want the same things for the further?
  5. Do you both have similar views on boundaries in a relationship?
  6. Do you both have the same sex drive?
  7. Do you have anything in common?
  8. Do you like giving head and does he like getting it?

I am hoping that you recognize that the answers to these questions are important because they will make or break your potential to be a functioning and long-lasting couple. I know number 8 was a curve ball but it is really important. Believe it or not there are some men that don’t like getting their dick sucked and their are some women who love it more than anything and you better hope the 2 of you are compatible.

So many people these days are looking for a companion and they neglect to recognize that just because their bodies say yes does not mean that in the long wrong the head’s and heart;s wont say,  “Get the fuck away from me!” Hormones are a mother fucker and once they are in charge its the equivalent of beer goggles. Right around that time of the month for women our estrogen levels are through the roof and craving testosterone. You know what this means for you macho men? It means that around this time women are extremely susceptible to your macho charms. Get it it while you can guys because after this time she may not like you as much or even at all. LOL

A couple of weeks ago this type of hormone ambush happened to me! I swear I was totally into this guy. He was hot, big and an ex athlete. He had “MAN” written all over him and I wanted to jump him the minute I met him. I didn’t of course I kept control even though all I wanted to do was rip his clothes off. LOL We started talking and I thought I really liked him. Turns out that time of the month was right around the corner so even if I wanted to get down I couldn’t……..not yet at least. After I had shed my crazy so to speak, he called and we made plans to hang out. He comes over one night because I cooked dinner for the both of us. Immediately as he walks in the door he says, “Hey Babe” and nothing! Nothing happened……I had no feeling whatsoever. I looked at his face which he had not shaved, and his clothes…..needless to say the feeling of wanting to jump his bones or boner was completely gone! UGGGHHHH Are you serious? Like I was all ready to just go for it and now I couldn’t get into it if I tried. What the hell is that about? so I started to do a little research and came to the aforementioned conclusion. I Had hormone goggles on.

 

 

Im not a player I just Crush a lot

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So since I was a kid my friends have called me a “Man-Eater” LOL I am not saying that I am but I am saying that I usually have an attention span that last about 3 weeks before I get bored of whomever I am talking to at the moment and I move on. But this was when I was younger and although I still have the same short attention span I am more open to the idea of a relationship than when I was younger. So recently something was said to me that pissed me off but made my think.

A guy hit me up on Instagram and asked for my phone number. At first I said “HELL NO” because as most of you know I have a serious bone to pick with the idiots that use social networking as some kind of surrogate E-Harmoney. Not long after that he friend requested me on Facebook and I accepted. We spoke a little bit and after calling him out on some bullshit he told me, “If anyone has a shady relationship history its you. You are the player.” LOL are you kidding me???? Im a player? Well lets just clear this right the fuck up.

Player: A male/female who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

That would not be me! I am BEYOND honest at all times with men especially when I am not interested in them. I make it 100% crystal fucking clear at all times. So why would this guy call me a player? Well after a good conversation with a friend of mine where he told me that this guy is a fucking idiot, I finally figure it out. Rejection is a mother fucker and rather than reacting like a mature adult, he threw a bitch fitch and did the equivalent of telling me “You aren’t hot anyway!” LOL some people just cant handle it well. Unfortunately for him that kind of behavior is why he is single. For future reference if you want a woman you should probably act like a fucking MAN!