Is that a Vibrator in your shower?!?!?!

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We all do it folks. Masturbation is pretty natural and if you say you are not doing it well then you are lying. I had never owned a vibrator before in my life. When I needed to get off I just went with the tried and true “double click the mouse” method. My good friend Heather and I were dead in the middle of shopping at our local Deja Vu, trying to find pieces to construct the prototype of an oral sex aid that we had both imagined when low and behold we come across the vibrators. Heather suggests that since I hadn’t been laid in a bit or at least not with a happy ending that I should make the wise investment of buying a vibrator. After much harassment by both her and the girl behind the counter, I pulled out my american express and spent $170.00 dollars on a brand spanking new…bright pink vibrator. Turns out it was the BEST $170.00 dollars I have spent ever, with the exception of my Jeffery Campbell black leather “Lita” boots. I love those boots!

Now that I have explained a little of the back story on how there came to be a bright pink vibrator in my shower ill explain the story in full. Im sitting in my living room minding my own business when my friend Adam texts me to ask what I’m doing. He lives in my building and is bored so I invited him down.

He had never been inside my place before so he was exploring and checking things out. He went from my living room to my bedroom before his last stop in my bathroom. Why he decided to open my shower curtain I didn’t understand at the time. Once I saw my vibrator in the shower I totally freaked out LOL I jumped and grabbed the shower curtain right after he opened it, yanking it closed. He fought me on it for a second thinking by my reaction there must be something embarrassing in there. He went back to open in and out comes the statement, “Is that a vibrator in your shower?!?!?”

I died, right then and there I died and yet at the same time I wished someone had been filming because it was beyond hilarious. I mean how often do people just get to witness embarrassment like that? My B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) wasn’t in a side table drawer or in my closet or even in my underwear drawer like most people with discretion hide theirs. Instead mine is just chillen in the shower not inconspicuous at all. LOL ¬†Even better than that my guy friend who had never stepped foot in my apartment has just received a tour of my humble abode as well as a peek into my sexual proclivities. If my reaction was the cause of hilarity, the look on his face was classic. It was a cross between shock and intrigue. I just became a sexual person! A girl with her vibrator out and about in clear view (well sort of). He hasn’t let me live it down since and it has become a topic of reminisce that he likes to bring up often and in front of others. I guess if my embarrassment leads to someone else’s amusement then I can take solace in the fact that I made someone laugh.

Just a tip ladies, HIDE YOUR SEX TOYS! Or fuck it, don’t hide them! Be someones funny story and in my case don’t hide who you are one bit. However on my sister’s advice, when the family comes to visit put your vibrator away……take it out of the shower and put it away. ūüôā

Im not a player I just Crush a lot

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So since I was a kid my friends have called me a “Man-Eater” LOL I am not saying that I am but I am saying that I usually have an attention span that last about 3 weeks before I get bored of whomever I am talking to at the moment and I move on. But this was when I was younger and although I still have the same short attention span I am more open to the idea of a relationship than when I was younger. So recently something was said to me that pissed me off but made my think.

A guy hit me up on Instagram and asked for my phone number. At first I said “HELL NO” because as most of you know I have a serious bone to pick with the idiots that use social networking as some kind of surrogate E-Harmoney. Not long after that he friend requested me on Facebook and I accepted. We spoke a little bit and after calling him out on some bullshit he told me, “If anyone has a shady relationship history its you. You are the player.” LOL are you kidding me???? Im a player? Well lets just clear this right the fuck up.

Player: A male/female who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

That would not be me! I am BEYOND honest at all times with men especially when I am not interested in them. I make it 100% crystal fucking clear at all times. So why would this guy call me a player? Well after a good conversation with a friend of mine where he told me that this guy is a fucking idiot, I finally figure it out. Rejection is a mother fucker and rather than reacting like a mature adult, he threw a bitch fitch and did the equivalent of telling me “You aren’t hot anyway!” LOL some people just cant handle it well. Unfortunately for him that kind of behavior is why he is single. For future reference if you want a woman you should probably act like a fucking MAN!

Starving for Attention……”Eat Me!!!!”

Have you ever been talking to a guy/girl who you like and want to date only for them to jerk you around? They like you, they don’t like you, they want to be with you, they aren’t sure. You get to ride the roller coaster with them only to have them come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready for a relationship. I know it has happened to all of us at some point in our lives, or even worse you have done it to someone else. In previous blogs I do encourage you to date people and really get to know what you do and don’t like in others. This however is not what I was talking about.

My friend was talking to a guy recently whom she had been talking to for a few years. After many “I love you’s” and making plans they finally met up when he came into town to see her. They had a great weekend together filled with laughter and plans for the future. The day after he went home he¬†wigged¬†out. All of the sudden he needs time and¬†isn’t¬†sure. He is overwhelmed. Bullshit!!!!!! ¬† If he¬†didn’t¬†know what he wanted he should have been strong enough to vocalize that. Instead what he did was give her hope and talk her into something she¬†didn’t¬†even know she wanted, all because he was too afraid to be alone.

I see people do this a lot. I see it more in young people who are afraid to be alone and are starved for attention. They talk to multiple people and make false promises in order to give that person hope and keep them around longer. Some do it for an ego boost but most do it because they are starved for attention and validation. So all this being said, it makes me wonder……Why do people do unto others what they have had done to them? If a person has been led on and given hope only to be let down, why would they do it to someone else?

5 Yard Penalty!

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I’m going to let you in on a little known secret:¬†Amongst women there are a few sexual situations that we don’t count as actual sex and therefore we don’t count you as someone we have had sex with. They range and usually being the creative creatures women are, we will take liberties with the known situations and add or alter them. They are ever-changing but we do stick to a core few.

  1. 2 Pump Chump:¬†“What the hell was that?!?!?!” is usually the phrase running through a girl’s head and if your lucky it doesn’t come out of her mouth as she is kicking you the fuck out of her bed, house and life. If the sex lasted less than 10 seconds, that shit didn’t count. That wasn’t real sex! She didn’t even have the opportunity to TRY to finish. If her tampon has seen more action in her V than your dick………you can rest assured you are NOWHERE on her “list” of guys she has slept with.¬†
  2. If a tree falls in the forest……¬†I know most of you has heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well the same goes for a sexual experiences not remembered. Most girls will tell you what they don’t remember didn’t happen. There is an exception to this rule though. If a girl is consistently loaded and fucks anything she can get her venus fly trap on but remembers none of it cuz she is ALWAYS drunk, she is a hoe and there is no erasing all of those partners.
  3. Total Recall:¬†This is on tricky one. If the sounds of his growling and grunting combined with his weird ass “O Face” have left her wanting to burn her memory with acid and start over “Total Recall” style, then it didn’t happen. She will scrub that one from her list.
  4. Is it in yet???¬†“Go long!!!!!!” Yeah right! When that is NOT the case, a flag is thrown and they get a 5 yard penalty! Little dick doesn’t count. Have you ever heard that saying, “Baby¬†dicks¬†belong on babies” ? Well if you¬†didnt¬†know, now you know. If the phrase, “Is it in yet?” EVER comes out of her mouth then you are not someone she has had sex with.
  5. Whiskey Dick:¬†If as a result of too much alcohol or any other substance he fails to get it hard for long enough for a girl to moan his name, it doesn’t count. There is not much more explaining to do with this one.

Here is the bottom line gentlemen; If you want to be included in her “list” and be invited back for seconds or even thirds, you better lay pipe like a fucking master! Dick her down with all you’ve got the first time and she might never let you go. Plain and Simple!

Would You Like Something To Drink? You look THIRSTY……..

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Men and women alike both suffer from “the thirst” so don’t take this personally and if you do then maybe you are one of the aforementioned persons. I am delving into this topic because I have seen it run ramped as of late and find that I need to address it. There is a difference between interest and desperation and when you have crossed the line into desperation you are officially thirsty!

I have dealt with this many times in my life but since moving to Las Vegas I feel like I come across it much more. It’s a trip because you would think in a town full of sex and beautiful people, everyone would get their fill. Apparently that is not the case! In a previous blog I wrote about a girl who is essentially in love with whatever guy pays her attention. THAT IS THIRSTY! Now it works the opposite way as well. When a guy (no matter how much money he has) hits you up a million times a day only to receive one response back but still keeps going, THAT IS THIRSTY! I’ll give you 2 examples………..

Mr. Money-bags:

He texts, he calls, he Facebook messages, he comments on¬†Instagram. He is two seconds away from a fucking restraining order. He is an ex athlete and current business man out of San Diego who I met while he was in Vegas. He drives a Bentley and has money to blow. You would think that all of this would be selling points for him right? Not so much. Between contacting me through the different social media outlets and then through texts and calls, I practically need to shower the stench of HIS desperation off of me! He will offer to take me on vacation, “Anywhere you want to go” he says. He wants to take me shopping and buy me whatever my heart desires and when I have done enough rejecting of his advances and offers he then proceeds to tell me that he will pay me to text with him!!!! Are you kidding me?!?! YUCK! He either never has sex or has a small dick/whack personality and has to compensate with his money.

Ms. Red-bottoms: 

She is between the ages of 21 and 30 (35 depending on the amount of plastic surgery she has had). She usually has huge fake tits and possible ass injections. Botox is a must and let’s be honest those lips aren’t real either. From what I have seen in Vegas she is usually bleach blonde but there are brunettes also and the occasional red-head. She works old men (Mr. Money-bags) for money and shoes. When the time comes to fuck him she either bounces or the money is so good she sticks around. He is not the only man her is harem believe me. She is working at least 3 others at the same time. If this girl is content with just enough then she will move from one to the next once they really push the sex factor but if she is looking to be taken care of then she will eventually give up and suck some dick or go for the gold and fuck them altogether.

Things to watch out for:

  • When you give He/She¬†your phone number and you¬†receive¬†a text 5 minutes later saying “What’s up?”
  • He/She texts you 3 hours later saying “I miss you.”
  • He/She¬†compliments you to the point where its creepy instead of flattering.
  • He/She¬†invites himself over or out with you.
  • He/She¬†tells you he really likes you after less than a week of knowing you.
  • He/She¬†tells you he would treat you like a queen after only having met him once.

I see these people out everywhere I go. They aren’t bad people they just have different priorities. No judgement here. Live your life how you please, IT IS YOUR LIFE…….but for those of us who don’t live that life and don’t want to ¬†be pestered with its inhabitants here is the solution. If you have one of these types on your hands, introduce them to their counterpart. Give¬†your¬†Ms. Red-bottoms to a Mr. Money-bags that you know and hope for the best.

Money 1st and Good Looks 2nd

Let’s be real, women these days have the world literally by the balls. Its mainly because of what having the company of a beautiful woman suggests about that man’s social status. A beautiful woman renders men panting puppies whose wallets spew money in endless amounts. Without lifting a finger and with just a few choice words women these days get to lead lives that most people only fantasize about.

For men there are obvious advantages to dating a beautiful woman. It’s a big self-esteem boost, increases social standing among other men and makes that man look even more attractive to other women. If you have ever watched the 80’s movie “Cant Buy Me Love” you would know that the lure of other people thinking you are dating the hot or popular girl, is all the perks that come with that. For those of you not born in the 80’s I can reference the movie “Easy A” LOL Guys paid her to say that she fucked them in order to give them clout in school. She was hot and they hit it.

Now Im not saying that really hot women are without their flaws. They have a tendency to be self-absorbed, self-centered and shallow, not to mention that many of them think their vaginas are more valuable than platinum. All of this aside beautiful women are still what men look for and because of this, attractive women can afford to be selective. They have their pick and this luxury will usually land them a guy with money first and good looks second.

The key to success in dating a beautiful woman is to be original. She has heard it all so in order to get and keep her attention you have to stand out from the masses of men texting and calling her.

Treat her like you would someone you¬†aren’t¬†attracted to:

Talk to her like you would anyone else. Don’t act amazed by her beauty or intimidated by her confidence. If anything its almost best to act aloof or indifferent and whatever you do don’t praise her. A “You look nice” here and there is ok but crawling up her ass with how hot she is every 5 minutes gets annoying and she has heard it a million times before.

Save the lines for a theme park:

When you see a hot woman, DONT HIT ON HER! Instead try almost ignoring her. Believe me you will throw her for a loop. You are probably the only guy in a 50 mile radius who isn’t drooling over her and this will bug her. Even better be open to others around you and not her, she wont get it and if you are lucky she will be intrigued.

Take it back to the sandbox:

Try teasing her a little bit. Women smell insecurity a mile away. We can sense when you are weak and it wont play in your favor. We just like men love a challenge. Boyish charm will get you a long way, so tease her a little and take it back to middle school. All of our lives we have been trained that if he is mean to you he likes you LOL so keep it light and carefree.

Show interest in her brain instead of her breasts:

Let’s be honest, she knows what she looks like and she knows you do as well. Deep down a pretty girl wants to be recognized for something other than her looks while at the same time wanting you to still remember that she is hot. Play on that! Stimulate her mind and show interest in her passions. Find out what she likes and who she really is. Most guys wont do that because they either dont care or they are blinded by her beauty. Be different!

Make her want you:

Its no secret men want sex like women want a really cute pair of heels. So if you are smart you will make her want you. Make her be the one to push for sex. Dont be like every other guy she has met who ttys to get in her pants day one. Believe me if you dont try she will wonder why and eventually roles will be reversed. She will pursue the dick instead of the opposite.

He likes me, he likes me not:

Keep her on her toes and guessing constantly. Be aloof and run a little hot and cold. You have to be different than the masses of men that fall at her feet! You want to maker her be the one initiating contact because you are just so different from any other guy that she has met. Don’t be a pussy! The second she sees weakness or thinks she has the control it is game over. She is now bored and onto the next.

I am not saying that I agree with society’s perpetuation of beauty and what it buys you in this world, I am only trying to help you navigate the maze. If more people had the tools to get around the beauty factor and down to the important things then maybe relationships would be based on solid factors and last longer.

It’s not Cheating it’s just BAD FORM

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So a friend turned me onto this video today. In the video this girl got caught up between two guys. She was apparently sleeping two friends and playing both of them. She was NOT in a committed relationship with either of them but the question posed was; Is it cheating? In my opinion, NO! It is not technically cheating but it is bad form.

There is a consistent theme in all of my stories and or advice. Keep it honest people! If you are always honest and upfront, there is no room for conflict. I have a personal rule about double dipping in the friend pool. I didn’t always have that rule but as a result of some bad teenage decision making I learned it just never ends well. You don’t date or sleep with friends or siblings lol. (That’s a story for another time) Not everyone has to follow that rule. You can have your own set of boundaries, it is simply my suggestion. I have actually seen it happen a lot, more with guys than girls. You see guys fuck 2 friends thinking they wont get caught. Please you dumb fuck! Girls talk, thats what we do……all the time. A guy is more likely to get caught fucking two girlfriends that a girl is fucking two guys.

If you are going to have sex with two friends at the same time you need to be open and honest with both of them. Its when you lie and try to play on their feelings, you end up with 2 very pissed off people. I mean if you haven’t seen the movie “Savages” you should. It is the strangest version of a relationship to me but it worked for them in the movie because they were all on the same page. Moral of the story: “Keep it 100!”